If I could kiss your pain away....

My dearest Natalie,

I wish now more than ever that you could talk already and be able to tell me what is wrong and what hurts so that I knew how to make it better. This is the first time you have gotten sick, and the most nerve-wrecking experience in the emergency room with you yesterday morning as they did tests and took x-rays, all the time praying that the doctors would know exactly how to make whatever was wrong better. Last night was heart-breaking. You would fall asleep for a little while and then wake up screaming and crying, and I would hold you and rock you and kiss you, all the while still praying for you to feel better. I don't think I have ever had bronchitis, so I don't know how you feel or how much you hurt and I wish so bad I could take your place. I have always known the love your daddy has for you, but watching him hold you and whisper in your ear at 4:00am trying to calm you down and seeing the hurt in his eyes because you are hurting proves to me even more how much he loves you. I can't wait for you to be old enough to see it. Your dad is pretty amazing. We were at the lake house, so Tia Vero came in and held you at 4:30am because she heard you crying and sang to you and rocked you. She told daddy and I to try to get some sleep, but there was no way we were sleeping with you crying like you were. We didn't want to leave your side. There is no denying that you are so loved. You finally calmed down at around 6:00am and I cuddled up next to you to get some sleep before waking up and heading home. You seem to be feeling so much better right now. Your fever finally stayed down. It scared me when it hit 102.9. You played quite a bit this evening and smiled and laughed and seemed to be feeling better. I hope you are. If kisses could cure bronchitis and make you feel better, you would never be sick. Between daddy and I, you must get over 100 kisses a day. We just love you so much. You have changed our lives so much and made things so much more beautiful to me. I can't thank God enough for blessing me with you. I didn't know that I could love something so little so much, but I do. My heart overflows with love for you and by the way daddy looks at you, I know his does to. You have him wrapped around your little finger (twice) and he won't even deny it. You are just so beautiful to us, and although I sometimes wish that time would stand still and I could keep you this little forever, I can't wait to hear you call me "mommy". I can't wait to hug you and have my hug returned. I can already picture your little arms around my neck. I can't wait for you to give me kisses and tell me you love me. I don't know how many times daddy has said the same.
I still can't believe that you are already crawling and pulling yourself up on EVERYTHING...and you have your first tooth. My little girl is getting so big already! Promise me that no matter how big you get, you will always be our little girl??? I love you so much, I don't think there are enough words to describe how much. These past six and a half months have been the best of my life. You have taught daddy and I a whole new love for you and for each other and we can't wait to watch you grow into the amazing woman I know you will be one day.
I am about to go crawl into bed with you and daddy now. He doesn't want to put you in your bed...and neither do I. Not tonight...I just want to cuddle up to you tonight and hope that you are all better when you wake up. I love you my little lady bug...

Mommy

She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn't take them along...

It has been a while since I have posted. I have had a lot going on lately....not really anything major, just life happening. My little girl is getting bigger and bigger every day. She turned 6 months this Wednesday. I can't believe it has been half a year already. Time has flown by. I just want time to stand still sometimes. I want her to stay innocent and sweet...and safe...just the way she is. Being a mother has changed my life in so many ways. I thought being a wife was life changing....being both in the same year is indescribable!! I love being both. Chad and I have had our moments, just like every other couple I'm sure, but our faith in the Lord brings us back to love and back to Him, and everything is OK. I am reading an awesome book right now that a dear friend gave me to read called "Love is a Decision" by Gary Smalley. I highly recommend it. It is an eye opener and just inspiring for a marriage. One of my favorite quotes in this book is "Every enduring marriage involves an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person." This is a reminder that there are always going to be struggles..neither one of us is perfect...but we are going to get through those struggles because we made an unconditional commitment to each other before God. I love him...I love him and his imperfections, just like he loves me and ALL of mine. I know that God brought us together and He is never going to leave us alone.

Being a mom....wow...being a mom is the most rewarding, tiresome, scary job I have ever had. I love waking up to her smiling face every morning. She is sleeping in her pack and play next to our bed now, and I am still breastfeeding (trying for a year), so at 6am when she is hungry I put her in bed with us to eat and then we sleep for another couple of hours. She is usually awake before us, so I wake up to her touching my face and when I open my eyes, there she is smiling at me. I love it. THIS is what life is all about. I was meant to be a mom...

So this leads me to my current struggle...and let the tears begin...
I am going back to school in the fall. I took 2 semesters off already, and I HAVE to get back...I can't keep putting school off. So I started registering, and as I was registering, I started crying. Me going to school, means that I have to leave Natalie. Even if only for a few hours, I have to leave her. I have been with her almost every day all day of her life so far and leaving her is going to be so hard. It makes it a lot easier to know that we are leaving her with someone whom both Chad and I trust and love and who we know is going to take good care of her. But it is still hard. I don't want to miss anything. I don't want to miss her first step, or her first word, or her first anything...I want to be there for ALL of it. I have to go back to school though. Both for myself and for her. I want her to know that her mommy worked her butt off to give her the best life she could....and so did her daddy...Chad is going to go back to school next fall (I am so proud of him). So I am sure that I will be crying all the way to school for a while, but I know that it's what I need to do.

Well, I think I am going to try to get some sleep for a couple of hours...I am picking my mom and aunt up early in the morning. I can't wait to see them! Hope everyone has a great weekend!