My convictions...

Today was a tough day. That sweet little boy I wrote about a few months ago went home to heaven today. Garit lost his fight with cancer today. It breaks my heart for his parents, his siblings, and all who were close to him. He touched so many lives. At church this evening, one of the leaders spoke about Garit and how he lived a life worth following. In his short life....five years...he left a legacy and lived a life worth following. He then asked if we were all living a life worth following. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt so convicted in that moment just with that one question. I knew that answer right away. No. I am not living a life worth following. That's a tough pill to swallow considering I have a daughter who is going to look up to me one day. My life and my being needs so much change to make it worth following. I am a sinner, I am vein at times, I have demons that haunt me, I am a bitch to my husband more often than necessary, I hold grudges, I am selfish at times, I want much more than I need, I can be materialistic, I am not patient enough....the list goes on. All of these things are things that can be changed. I like to think that I have changed tremendously. Actually, no, I KNOW that I have changed tremendously since I started my walk with Christ. Before I completely gave myself to God I was depressed. I had it all, like Pastor Tony said today. I had everything. A great family, parents who loved me, good friends, I was popular, I was skinny, I was pretty...I had it all. But I was missing God. Tony hit the nail on the head in his service today. I grew up in a pretty strict home, with a very Catholic mother. I went to church every Sunday, but only because I had to. So I knew who God was. I believed in him, and I would pray to him when times were hard. I let him be a part of my life. That was the problem. That was why I was so depressed and life started to get harder. I wasn't GIVING my life to Him. Now that I have done that, I know what I need to be doing and the type of person I need to be, but I keep stumbling. I keep stumbling and falling flat on my face. I don't have the hate in my heart that I used to have for the people who have done me or my loved ones wrong. I have forgiven everyone and also asked God to forgive me for being so vengeful and having so much hate in my heart. I don't have any of the bad habits that I used to have, like getting wasted and making stupid mistakes. I don't lie like I used to. But now there are so many other things that haunt me, like the ones I listed before. How do I better myself. How do I make my life one worth following? How do I have compassion for those who don't show it? How do I show affection to so me one who doesn't show it? How do I get rid of the grudges I am holding? How do I become more patient? How can I make my life one I am 100% happy with? I mean, here this little 5-year old boy who was battling stage 4 cancer walked around with a smile that lit up the room and touched every heart in it. He looked HAPPY. I will never forget the huge hug he gave me at church that day and the smile that never left his face. I learned a lot from Garit just by knowing who he is. I have some convictions to face in my life and some changes to make so that I can maybe say I am living a life worth following, even if it's just for my daughter. Thank you, Garit, for being such a brave little boy and teaching some of us dummies what life should really be about. Your parents must be so proud of you. Those of you reading....are you living a life worth following???