Hello 30!!!

Today I celebrate the last day in my 20's. I have to say that the past few weeks have been rough and I was a little depressed about turning 30. But today a good friend of mine reminded me how blessed I am and how much I have to be thankful for, rather than being upset that I get to start another wonderful year of life. He made a good point, that so many people pay too much attention to what they don't have and haven't accomplished, and not enough attention to the things they do have. So, tonight, I want to take a moment to express how thankful I am for all I have and all that I have accomplished in my 29 years.
Just after turning 20 I met the man I would spend the rest of my life with. I fell fast and hard for him, and despite all the bumps in the road (some of them mountains), we are more in love now than we have ever been, or at least I am. :) Because of him, I know that my God is real and am so thankful that He is a forgiving God. I have never felt so loved or forgiven than I do at this point in my life. God has blessed me with such a beautiful husband and then sweetened the pot with our two precious babies. Seeing Natalie grow into such a sweet little girl makes me proud to be her mommy, and looking at Dallas's little smile makes my heart melt every time. Watching Chad with our kids makes me feel overwhelmed with the love of God. Only He could be so forgiving and gracious, because I know that most days I do not deserve such an amazing man. He would do anything for me and his kids and give us everything he has to make us happy. He is truly a man of God and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
So...I have to say my greatest accomplishment in my 29 years is marrying my best friend and being able to not only raise our two beautiful babies together, but also being able to help raise his other two amazing kids who I have grown to love like my own.
Although my career plans didn't turn out exactly how I wanted them to because I became a mom before I could become anything else, I was able to get into a great nursing school and am counting down the days (still a long way to go) to graduating and starting my nursing career. I feel accomplished in being accepted into the program and being able to maintain a good GPA while being a wife and raising my kids at the same time.
I am so thankful for my parents. Even at 29 years of age they still take care of me. I know that no matter what it is, I can call them and they will be there for me 200%. I am so thankful that after all the headaches and heartaches I put them through as a teenager they never once turned their back on me, even when I turned my back on them. No matter how hard I pushed them away they always pulled back 100 times harder. I am forever grateful for their patience and forgiveness. I am also lucky to have a brother and sister who have my back no matter what and love me despite my faults.
I am going into my 30's with some of the best friends a girl could ask for. Some of them have grown to be like brothers and sisters to me and I cherish their friendships dearly. I look forward to making more memories with all of them in the next decade of my life!!
So, thank you, friend for setting me straight and making me remember how blessed I am to have lived another year with such an amazing group of people around me and making me excited to be starting off yet another amazing year!
Here's to being 30 and fabulous....

Oh BOY!!!

Wow, I can't believe that it has been almost a year since my last blog. I have been pretty busy...and pregnant. Chad and I found out we were expecting late December, and we are now less than a month away from meeting our baby boy! We have decided to name him Alex, and are still undecided on a middle name. As of right now, I am scheduled for a c-section on August 20th. I am starting to get a little overwhelmed with emotion and nervous as to what next month will bring. I have a lot going on. I was accepted to nursing school in May, and clinicals begin this fall semester, which begins August 15th. I have prayed every day for guidance and for God to give me all the tools I need to make it through the semester. I didn't start taking Natalie to the sitter until she was 8 months old. I took a semester off to be home with her. I can't do the same this semester...it was a pretty big deal and blessing to be accepted into nursing school, and I need to think about the future. I want my children to look at my accomplishments one day and be proud of their mommy. I am so thankful to have such an amazing man by my side that has been so supportive throughout our marriage and helps me reach my goals because he believes in me. With all that said, I CAN'T take a semester off to stay home with Alex, so I will be leaving him at just a few weeks old. It breaks my heart to even think about it. It makes me sick...but I know that it will all be ok. I could use a little extra prayers sent up for me, though.

So I packed his hospital bag today...just in case. I will pack my bag this weekend. At every doctor's appointment I go to I hear how BIG he is, and I'm hoping maybe he will be ready to make his appearance soon. Not only is HE big, but this mommy is HUGE. I am so exhausted every day and I feel like I can't get anything done without feeling like I just ran a marathon. My feet and hands swell so much throughout the day, and by the end of the day I am pooped....even when I haven't done anything. So I am ready. I am 36 weeks today, so one more week and I will be trying any and all the "tricks" to get him to come! I know none of them will work, but it will be fun to try. :)

Natalie has been a little confused about the whole thing, or at least she was. When we first told her she was going to be a big sister, she insisted that she was going to have a little sister, and when we found out it was a boy and broke the news to her, she was in denial. She would tell us that she didn't want a baby brother, she wanted a baby sister. (Her daddy wanted another little girl too) But now we all can't wait to meet our little man. She kisses my belly all the time now and tells me that she loves her baby Alex. I can't wait to see her face when she sees him. She loves her big brother so much, and I know she is going to love her little brother just as much. As far as her wishes for a sister, she is going to have to get used to only having one sister, because I think we are done having babies.....Natalie and Alex are not even going to be 3 years apart, and we think that is the perfect age difference for them to grow up close. So as of now, our minds are made up that we are not having anymore. That may change in the future, after I gradate, but it's not likely. We will see....

I hope to be updating this a lot more now that we have another little one on the way. I really wish I was documenting more of Natalie's life on here also, so I need to work on that... but not tonight. It's almost 1:30 in the morning and I am so tired....if only I could get some sleep. Oh well, at least I'll get some rest.

Good night!

My convictions...

Today was a tough day. That sweet little boy I wrote about a few months ago went home to heaven today. Garit lost his fight with cancer today. It breaks my heart for his parents, his siblings, and all who were close to him. He touched so many lives. At church this evening, one of the leaders spoke about Garit and how he lived a life worth following. In his short life....five years...he left a legacy and lived a life worth following. He then asked if we were all living a life worth following. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt so convicted in that moment just with that one question. I knew that answer right away. No. I am not living a life worth following. That's a tough pill to swallow considering I have a daughter who is going to look up to me one day. My life and my being needs so much change to make it worth following. I am a sinner, I am vein at times, I have demons that haunt me, I am a bitch to my husband more often than necessary, I hold grudges, I am selfish at times, I want much more than I need, I can be materialistic, I am not patient enough....the list goes on. All of these things are things that can be changed. I like to think that I have changed tremendously. Actually, no, I KNOW that I have changed tremendously since I started my walk with Christ. Before I completely gave myself to God I was depressed. I had it all, like Pastor Tony said today. I had everything. A great family, parents who loved me, good friends, I was popular, I was skinny, I was pretty...I had it all. But I was missing God. Tony hit the nail on the head in his service today. I grew up in a pretty strict home, with a very Catholic mother. I went to church every Sunday, but only because I had to. So I knew who God was. I believed in him, and I would pray to him when times were hard. I let him be a part of my life. That was the problem. That was why I was so depressed and life started to get harder. I wasn't GIVING my life to Him. Now that I have done that, I know what I need to be doing and the type of person I need to be, but I keep stumbling. I keep stumbling and falling flat on my face. I don't have the hate in my heart that I used to have for the people who have done me or my loved ones wrong. I have forgiven everyone and also asked God to forgive me for being so vengeful and having so much hate in my heart. I don't have any of the bad habits that I used to have, like getting wasted and making stupid mistakes. I don't lie like I used to. But now there are so many other things that haunt me, like the ones I listed before. How do I better myself. How do I make my life one worth following? How do I have compassion for those who don't show it? How do I show affection to so me one who doesn't show it? How do I get rid of the grudges I am holding? How do I become more patient? How can I make my life one I am 100% happy with? I mean, here this little 5-year old boy who was battling stage 4 cancer walked around with a smile that lit up the room and touched every heart in it. He looked HAPPY. I will never forget the huge hug he gave me at church that day and the smile that never left his face. I learned a lot from Garit just by knowing who he is. I have some convictions to face in my life and some changes to make so that I can maybe say I am living a life worth following, even if it's just for my daughter. Thank you, Garit, for being such a brave little boy and teaching some of us dummies what life should really be about. Your parents must be so proud of you. Those of you reading....are you living a life worth following???

" I don't want to!!!"

These are the words I hear the most through out the day lately...Natalie has learned how to voice her opinion quite well, and is not afraid to do so. She can now tell me when she "doesn't want to", when she "doesn't like it", or when "it hurts", which is usually immediately followed by "kiss it". It was actually the funniest and cutest thing the day she fell and hurt her bare bottom a few days ago and ran up to her daddy backing her little naked hiney up telling him to "kiss it".  She is a little jabber jaw. She repeats EVERYTHING now. She has repeated my road rage a few times yelling "come on people". I love watching her grow and learn so much. It just saddens me that it's happening so fast. I don't want to blink, I'm scared I will miss something. She has decided that her daddy is her best friend. She goes to him for everything, and he is the first person she asks for in the mornings. She loves her daddy....and her daddy loves her. I am so blessed. I can't say enough how thankful I am and how blessed I feel to have a husband who is such and AMAZING father. I couldn't have picked a better person to marry and have children with. Normally, the mother takes on 95% of the responsibility with her children. Not this mommy. Chad helps so much and is so involved with her, would say it's pretty close to 50/50. Don't get that confused with all around responsibilities, I do 98% of the housework, and keep our house pretty darn spiffy! I don't like mess...lol When it comes to Natalie, though, he is right there with me, sharing the responsibilities.
I started planning her birthday party. I decided to do a Sweet Shoppe theme. I wanted to do that for her first birthday, but Chad didn't think that was a good idea at all. He said there was no point in having all the candy and sweets if she couldn't eat any of it. Well, now she can! I have quite a few decorations done already and I ordered her dress this week. I can't wait for it to come in!! I love planning parties, so when it comes to planning my daughter's party, it's even more exciting and fun for me. Call it crazy, or whatever you want to call it, I have fun doing it, and I look forward to the day she starts enjoying planning her parties with me. 

Well, I think it's time for me to go to bed. My eyelids are getting heavy. Good night...

I know my role...

I remember when I was in middle school, and starting to get into teenage trouble, we always had a couple of houses that we would go to to get into trouble and do things we weren't supposed to. It was either the friend's house with the "cool" mom who would either turn the other cheek to the things we weren't supposed to be doing, or the friend's house with the parents that worked so much they were never home. I saw it then, I saw it in high school, and I continue to see it in my adult life. I don't ever want to be either one of these parents. I don't want to be the "cool" mom. I am a mother. My job is to be just that. My job is not to be Natalie's friend when she is a teenager and let her do things she shouldn't do just so she will "love" me and think I'm "cool". I don't care if her friends don't like me because I am too strict. I don't care if she yells and breaks my heart 100 times when she tells me how much I am ruining her life by not letting her do some of the things she wants to do. I know the time will come when she will hate me. I did it to my mom. My mom was so strict and even then I did so much stupid crap that I almost wish she would have caught me doing so that maybe it would have kept ne from doing even stupider crap. she didn't let me date until I was 15. I couldn't wear make-up until I was almost in high school. I wasn't allowed to wear all the clothes my other friends were wearing. I wasn't allowed to do a lot of things. And I hated her for it sometimes. She was always in my business. She had to talk to parents if I was staying the night somewhere. She screened my calls. My mom trusted no body. And I hated her for it. I remember breaking my mom's heart several times, and even my dad's on some occasions because I would tell them I didn't want to live there anymore. It wasn't because they were bad parents, they just weren't "cool" parents like some of my other friends had. Now that I am grown up and married and have a daughter of my own, I want to raise her just the same. Because now that I look back at it, if my mom had been the cool mom, my life would not be what it is right now. She was tough, but she taught me respect and she taught me morals. I may have hated her then some days, but now I love her that much more for raising me right and not being my friend, but my mother because that is what I needed. I still know some of those friends that had the cool parents growing up, and they don't even talk to them anymore because they were so caught up being their friend that they didn't know how to value the relationship between a child and a parent. When Natalie is an adult I want her to be able to look back and be proud of me and the job I did as her mother, not be embarrassed because I didn't fit the role. I hope that I can raise her to be respectful of others and herself, to know how important education and work ethic are in real life, to know the meaning of family and the sanctity of a marriage. I hope she will know how important it is to be her children's mother rather than their friend, and to never let work become a priority over family. I hope she will follow the example I have set for her and not move in with just any man and get married before she has babies, but also know that if she messes up I will be there for her and love her just the same. I especially hope that she knows and loves our amazing God. That alone will give me peace because I know that if she loves God she will head in the right direction, even if she takes a few wrong turns.
Basically what I'm saying is that I'm ready. I am ready to fulfill my role as a mother. I know it wil be hard, so I'm glad I still have a few years before she starts "hating" me. But hopefully she won't hate me too much. I know that in the long run she is going to love me more than ever for being the mother she needed me to be, not the friends she wanted me to be.

~Garit~

I feel like everywhere I look there are little kids battling this horrible demon called cancer. I remember meeting sweet Brennan and not giving him that hug I wanted to give him that day and how badly I regretted it afterwards. Well today at the Water's Edge () a few of the leaders and other members gathered in front of everyone to lift Garit Morrison up in prayer. Garit is five years old and has stage 4 adrenocortical carcinoma. He began his battle with cancer on October 25, 2010 and is currently on his 8th round of chemo, but still has a long road ahead of him. I was in tears during the prayer for Garit, and after service was over I looked all over until I found him. I will not forget his face when I finally found him. He had a smile that lit up the room and as soon as I put my hand on his back, he stretched out his arms and gave me the biggest hug. I didn't want to let go. The whole time I was hugging him I was praying to God that he would heal this little boy and give his parents strength. I didn't get a chance to meet his parents, but I wish I could have. I wanted to tell them that they are not alone in this fight. That I may not be in their position and I may not be in Garit's position, but I am in the position where I know how big our God is and the miracles only He can bring. I am so blessed to have met this little man today. After service he was outside on his bike that is being built for his benefit. He was so happy on that thing. (I learned today that his bike is almost finished, they just need a little more money. If you would like to donate, please go to paypal and enter Garitsfight@yahoo.com to donate for his cancer awareness bike). Chad and I watched him on the bike for a while with tears in our eyes, and Chad took Natalie over to give him a hug. I couldn't hold back the tears. Why is this happening to such a sweet, innocent little boy? Why not me? Why not someone else who has lived their life? Why such a sweet little boy? It was so sweet watching him on that bike. It was like his cancer was no biggie for him. He had this smile on his face that showed the world, "I am a child of God....He is taking care of me and I am not scared". His happiness and strength touched me and I admire him so much for his strength. Natalie wanted to sit on the bike also, so we sat her behind Garit and the tears flowed even more. I am so thankful to have a healthy baby girl that lights up my life. I wish all parents had healthy kids...I wish Cancer would just disappear and stop attacking so many sweet babies...
I hope that those of you that read this can join me in praying for Garit and his family. I believe he has a brother and a sister who may not be fighting the same battle he is, but they are fighting his battle with him. I can't imagine how hard this has to be on their family. I wish I could have hugged them all today. I can't stop thinking about them, and I am definitely not going to stop praying for them. God's love is everlasting and overflowing and I pray that He wrap his arms around Garit and his family and help them kick cancer's butt!!!!!!!

Confession

So, I'm a little obsessed. I have come to terms with it and will not deny it. I am overly obsessed....with my little girl. I am that mom that talks non stop about her baby. The one that will give up everything she has so that my baby can have everything she needs (and wants). I can't help it. I never thought that so much love could come from something so tiny...she is just so amazing. She got her kitchen in today, and after Chad and I put it together, she played with that thing forever. She was so happy and her face when she first saw it brought me so much joy. She couldn't even wait until it was all put together to start playing with it. I am sure that right now at her age, it is just another toy to her, but I know that in a year or two she is going to appreciate that little kitchen so much more. I would have died to have a kitchen like that when I was little. I didn't have much when I was a kid, especially when we first moved to the US, because my parents didn't speak much English and it was hard for them to get jobs that paid enough to support five people (three kids). We never went without, but we also didn't have much. I can't say that I was an unhappy child or that I had a bad childhood, because the truth is so far from that. My mom and dad raised us with so much love and made sure we had everything we "needed", that I never really missed not having some of the toys I would have wanted. But when I think back, I can remember a few times that I saw some toys that the kids had at the houses my mom would go clean, and thinking how cool it would be if I had toys like that to play with. I had such a great imagination that I made do with what we had and even made my own toys. I remember making cameras for myself and some of the smaller kids in my neighborhood out of cardboard boxes, and walking my "imaginary dog" with a leash and collar I made out of wire clothes hangers. These are all happy memories for me. I don't know if I ever complained about not having the toys I wanted, but I don't think I did, or at least I hope I didn't, and if I did, I owe my parents a huge apology, because I don't have any "bad" childhood memories about not being as wealthy as some of the other kids I went to school with. I can't complain. My parents loved me so much and showed it every day. I had both of them to kiss me good night every night, and I had everything in life that I "needed". What I'm getting at is that I don't wish in any way that my childhood would have been different. My parents gave me what they could afford and I never went without the true necessities. They taught me how hard work pays off and made me want to work hard so that I could be successful in life. However, I want Natalie to have everything I would have wanted as a little kid. I want to see her face light up when she gets her first dollhouse, or her first bike (I remember how happy I was when I got my first bike). I still want her to make cameras out of cardboard boxes and have the imagination to make anything out of "trash", but I want her to have those things that I always looked at and wished I could have had. I don't mind giving up the things I want to give her all that she wants (to an extent). I want to spoil her, but I also want her to hear the word "no" and know that she can't always have EVERYTHING she wants, and as she gets older I want her to learn how important it is to work hard and get a good education so that she can achieve any dream or goal she has in life. But I also want her to know that "mami and papi" will never outgrow wanting to give her the world. My parents never outgrew it.
I can't wait until she is old enough to be able to tell her all this and to start teaching her everything about life and how important it is to know God and love Him, and teach her how to wash the dishes and cook and do laundry so that one day when she is married she can be a good wife to her husband, and talk to her about respect for herself and others. There is soooo much I can't wait to teach her. I want to raise her to be a lady, and know how to pick her battles. My head is hurting now from thinking of all the things I want her to know and learn. I hope that God keeps me around here long enough to be able to do it all. I know two things she will know for sure...God and love. Two things that are so visible in our home and what our family is built on. I hope that from seeing her daddy and I and the love we have for each other and God, she will know how beautiful those two things are.
So there you have it, I am totally obsessed. Obsessed and in love with the beautiful little blessing that was given to Chad and I 18 months ago. She is mommy's little girl and daddy's little princess, and I hope she never outgrows those titles....