My convictions...

Today was a tough day. That sweet little boy I wrote about a few months ago went home to heaven today. Garit lost his fight with cancer today. It breaks my heart for his parents, his siblings, and all who were close to him. He touched so many lives. At church this evening, one of the leaders spoke about Garit and how he lived a life worth following. In his short life....five years...he left a legacy and lived a life worth following. He then asked if we were all living a life worth following. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt so convicted in that moment just with that one question. I knew that answer right away. No. I am not living a life worth following. That's a tough pill to swallow considering I have a daughter who is going to look up to me one day. My life and my being needs so much change to make it worth following. I am a sinner, I am vein at times, I have demons that haunt me, I am a bitch to my husband more often than necessary, I hold grudges, I am selfish at times, I want much more than I need, I can be materialistic, I am not patient enough....the list goes on. All of these things are things that can be changed. I like to think that I have changed tremendously. Actually, no, I KNOW that I have changed tremendously since I started my walk with Christ. Before I completely gave myself to God I was depressed. I had it all, like Pastor Tony said today. I had everything. A great family, parents who loved me, good friends, I was popular, I was skinny, I was pretty...I had it all. But I was missing God. Tony hit the nail on the head in his service today. I grew up in a pretty strict home, with a very Catholic mother. I went to church every Sunday, but only because I had to. So I knew who God was. I believed in him, and I would pray to him when times were hard. I let him be a part of my life. That was the problem. That was why I was so depressed and life started to get harder. I wasn't GIVING my life to Him. Now that I have done that, I know what I need to be doing and the type of person I need to be, but I keep stumbling. I keep stumbling and falling flat on my face. I don't have the hate in my heart that I used to have for the people who have done me or my loved ones wrong. I have forgiven everyone and also asked God to forgive me for being so vengeful and having so much hate in my heart. I don't have any of the bad habits that I used to have, like getting wasted and making stupid mistakes. I don't lie like I used to. But now there are so many other things that haunt me, like the ones I listed before. How do I better myself. How do I make my life one worth following? How do I have compassion for those who don't show it? How do I show affection to so me one who doesn't show it? How do I get rid of the grudges I am holding? How do I become more patient? How can I make my life one I am 100% happy with? I mean, here this little 5-year old boy who was battling stage 4 cancer walked around with a smile that lit up the room and touched every heart in it. He looked HAPPY. I will never forget the huge hug he gave me at church that day and the smile that never left his face. I learned a lot from Garit just by knowing who he is. I have some convictions to face in my life and some changes to make so that I can maybe say I am living a life worth following, even if it's just for my daughter. Thank you, Garit, for being such a brave little boy and teaching some of us dummies what life should really be about. Your parents must be so proud of you. Those of you reading....are you living a life worth following???

" I don't want to!!!"

These are the words I hear the most through out the day lately...Natalie has learned how to voice her opinion quite well, and is not afraid to do so. She can now tell me when she "doesn't want to", when she "doesn't like it", or when "it hurts", which is usually immediately followed by "kiss it". It was actually the funniest and cutest thing the day she fell and hurt her bare bottom a few days ago and ran up to her daddy backing her little naked hiney up telling him to "kiss it".  She is a little jabber jaw. She repeats EVERYTHING now. She has repeated my road rage a few times yelling "come on people". I love watching her grow and learn so much. It just saddens me that it's happening so fast. I don't want to blink, I'm scared I will miss something. She has decided that her daddy is her best friend. She goes to him for everything, and he is the first person she asks for in the mornings. She loves her daddy....and her daddy loves her. I am so blessed. I can't say enough how thankful I am and how blessed I feel to have a husband who is such and AMAZING father. I couldn't have picked a better person to marry and have children with. Normally, the mother takes on 95% of the responsibility with her children. Not this mommy. Chad helps so much and is so involved with her, would say it's pretty close to 50/50. Don't get that confused with all around responsibilities, I do 98% of the housework, and keep our house pretty darn spiffy! I don't like mess...lol When it comes to Natalie, though, he is right there with me, sharing the responsibilities.
I started planning her birthday party. I decided to do a Sweet Shoppe theme. I wanted to do that for her first birthday, but Chad didn't think that was a good idea at all. He said there was no point in having all the candy and sweets if she couldn't eat any of it. Well, now she can! I have quite a few decorations done already and I ordered her dress this week. I can't wait for it to come in!! I love planning parties, so when it comes to planning my daughter's party, it's even more exciting and fun for me. Call it crazy, or whatever you want to call it, I have fun doing it, and I look forward to the day she starts enjoying planning her parties with me. 

Well, I think it's time for me to go to bed. My eyelids are getting heavy. Good night...

I know my role...

I remember when I was in middle school, and starting to get into teenage trouble, we always had a couple of houses that we would go to to get into trouble and do things we weren't supposed to. It was either the friend's house with the "cool" mom who would either turn the other cheek to the things we weren't supposed to be doing, or the friend's house with the parents that worked so much they were never home. I saw it then, I saw it in high school, and I continue to see it in my adult life. I don't ever want to be either one of these parents. I don't want to be the "cool" mom. I am a mother. My job is to be just that. My job is not to be Natalie's friend when she is a teenager and let her do things she shouldn't do just so she will "love" me and think I'm "cool". I don't care if her friends don't like me because I am too strict. I don't care if she yells and breaks my heart 100 times when she tells me how much I am ruining her life by not letting her do some of the things she wants to do. I know the time will come when she will hate me. I did it to my mom. My mom was so strict and even then I did so much stupid crap that I almost wish she would have caught me doing so that maybe it would have kept ne from doing even stupider crap. she didn't let me date until I was 15. I couldn't wear make-up until I was almost in high school. I wasn't allowed to wear all the clothes my other friends were wearing. I wasn't allowed to do a lot of things. And I hated her for it sometimes. She was always in my business. She had to talk to parents if I was staying the night somewhere. She screened my calls. My mom trusted no body. And I hated her for it. I remember breaking my mom's heart several times, and even my dad's on some occasions because I would tell them I didn't want to live there anymore. It wasn't because they were bad parents, they just weren't "cool" parents like some of my other friends had. Now that I am grown up and married and have a daughter of my own, I want to raise her just the same. Because now that I look back at it, if my mom had been the cool mom, my life would not be what it is right now. She was tough, but she taught me respect and she taught me morals. I may have hated her then some days, but now I love her that much more for raising me right and not being my friend, but my mother because that is what I needed. I still know some of those friends that had the cool parents growing up, and they don't even talk to them anymore because they were so caught up being their friend that they didn't know how to value the relationship between a child and a parent. When Natalie is an adult I want her to be able to look back and be proud of me and the job I did as her mother, not be embarrassed because I didn't fit the role. I hope that I can raise her to be respectful of others and herself, to know how important education and work ethic are in real life, to know the meaning of family and the sanctity of a marriage. I hope she will know how important it is to be her children's mother rather than their friend, and to never let work become a priority over family. I hope she will follow the example I have set for her and not move in with just any man and get married before she has babies, but also know that if she messes up I will be there for her and love her just the same. I especially hope that she knows and loves our amazing God. That alone will give me peace because I know that if she loves God she will head in the right direction, even if she takes a few wrong turns.
Basically what I'm saying is that I'm ready. I am ready to fulfill my role as a mother. I know it wil be hard, so I'm glad I still have a few years before she starts "hating" me. But hopefully she won't hate me too much. I know that in the long run she is going to love me more than ever for being the mother she needed me to be, not the friends she wanted me to be.

~Garit~

I feel like everywhere I look there are little kids battling this horrible demon called cancer. I remember meeting sweet Brennan and not giving him that hug I wanted to give him that day and how badly I regretted it afterwards. Well today at the Water's Edge () a few of the leaders and other members gathered in front of everyone to lift Garit Morrison up in prayer. Garit is five years old and has stage 4 adrenocortical carcinoma. He began his battle with cancer on October 25, 2010 and is currently on his 8th round of chemo, but still has a long road ahead of him. I was in tears during the prayer for Garit, and after service was over I looked all over until I found him. I will not forget his face when I finally found him. He had a smile that lit up the room and as soon as I put my hand on his back, he stretched out his arms and gave me the biggest hug. I didn't want to let go. The whole time I was hugging him I was praying to God that he would heal this little boy and give his parents strength. I didn't get a chance to meet his parents, but I wish I could have. I wanted to tell them that they are not alone in this fight. That I may not be in their position and I may not be in Garit's position, but I am in the position where I know how big our God is and the miracles only He can bring. I am so blessed to have met this little man today. After service he was outside on his bike that is being built for his benefit. He was so happy on that thing. (I learned today that his bike is almost finished, they just need a little more money. If you would like to donate, please go to paypal and enter Garitsfight@yahoo.com to donate for his cancer awareness bike). Chad and I watched him on the bike for a while with tears in our eyes, and Chad took Natalie over to give him a hug. I couldn't hold back the tears. Why is this happening to such a sweet, innocent little boy? Why not me? Why not someone else who has lived their life? Why such a sweet little boy? It was so sweet watching him on that bike. It was like his cancer was no biggie for him. He had this smile on his face that showed the world, "I am a child of God....He is taking care of me and I am not scared". His happiness and strength touched me and I admire him so much for his strength. Natalie wanted to sit on the bike also, so we sat her behind Garit and the tears flowed even more. I am so thankful to have a healthy baby girl that lights up my life. I wish all parents had healthy kids...I wish Cancer would just disappear and stop attacking so many sweet babies...
I hope that those of you that read this can join me in praying for Garit and his family. I believe he has a brother and a sister who may not be fighting the same battle he is, but they are fighting his battle with him. I can't imagine how hard this has to be on their family. I wish I could have hugged them all today. I can't stop thinking about them, and I am definitely not going to stop praying for them. God's love is everlasting and overflowing and I pray that He wrap his arms around Garit and his family and help them kick cancer's butt!!!!!!!

Confession

So, I'm a little obsessed. I have come to terms with it and will not deny it. I am overly obsessed....with my little girl. I am that mom that talks non stop about her baby. The one that will give up everything she has so that my baby can have everything she needs (and wants). I can't help it. I never thought that so much love could come from something so tiny...she is just so amazing. She got her kitchen in today, and after Chad and I put it together, she played with that thing forever. She was so happy and her face when she first saw it brought me so much joy. She couldn't even wait until it was all put together to start playing with it. I am sure that right now at her age, it is just another toy to her, but I know that in a year or two she is going to appreciate that little kitchen so much more. I would have died to have a kitchen like that when I was little. I didn't have much when I was a kid, especially when we first moved to the US, because my parents didn't speak much English and it was hard for them to get jobs that paid enough to support five people (three kids). We never went without, but we also didn't have much. I can't say that I was an unhappy child or that I had a bad childhood, because the truth is so far from that. My mom and dad raised us with so much love and made sure we had everything we "needed", that I never really missed not having some of the toys I would have wanted. But when I think back, I can remember a few times that I saw some toys that the kids had at the houses my mom would go clean, and thinking how cool it would be if I had toys like that to play with. I had such a great imagination that I made do with what we had and even made my own toys. I remember making cameras for myself and some of the smaller kids in my neighborhood out of cardboard boxes, and walking my "imaginary dog" with a leash and collar I made out of wire clothes hangers. These are all happy memories for me. I don't know if I ever complained about not having the toys I wanted, but I don't think I did, or at least I hope I didn't, and if I did, I owe my parents a huge apology, because I don't have any "bad" childhood memories about not being as wealthy as some of the other kids I went to school with. I can't complain. My parents loved me so much and showed it every day. I had both of them to kiss me good night every night, and I had everything in life that I "needed". What I'm getting at is that I don't wish in any way that my childhood would have been different. My parents gave me what they could afford and I never went without the true necessities. They taught me how hard work pays off and made me want to work hard so that I could be successful in life. However, I want Natalie to have everything I would have wanted as a little kid. I want to see her face light up when she gets her first dollhouse, or her first bike (I remember how happy I was when I got my first bike). I still want her to make cameras out of cardboard boxes and have the imagination to make anything out of "trash", but I want her to have those things that I always looked at and wished I could have had. I don't mind giving up the things I want to give her all that she wants (to an extent). I want to spoil her, but I also want her to hear the word "no" and know that she can't always have EVERYTHING she wants, and as she gets older I want her to learn how important it is to work hard and get a good education so that she can achieve any dream or goal she has in life. But I also want her to know that "mami and papi" will never outgrow wanting to give her the world. My parents never outgrew it.
I can't wait until she is old enough to be able to tell her all this and to start teaching her everything about life and how important it is to know God and love Him, and teach her how to wash the dishes and cook and do laundry so that one day when she is married she can be a good wife to her husband, and talk to her about respect for herself and others. There is soooo much I can't wait to teach her. I want to raise her to be a lady, and know how to pick her battles. My head is hurting now from thinking of all the things I want her to know and learn. I hope that God keeps me around here long enough to be able to do it all. I know two things she will know for sure...God and love. Two things that are so visible in our home and what our family is built on. I hope that from seeing her daddy and I and the love we have for each other and God, she will know how beautiful those two things are.
So there you have it, I am totally obsessed. Obsessed and in love with the beautiful little blessing that was given to Chad and I 18 months ago. She is mommy's little girl and daddy's little princess, and I hope she never outgrows those titles....

Can you just stay little forever??

Well, since it rained today, I figured I'd write a blog...rainy days are always good for writing or reading. My little princess is taking a nap, and although I am tempted to cuddle up next to her and take a nap myself, I am not going to. A lot has been going on since my last post. I was in the emergency room a couple weeks ago with major pain in my back, chest and right shoulder. Turns out the gallstones are back. Yay. So I have to have surgery, which I really don't want to do. I know that it is the best thing to do, and is necessary, but I am just so scared to have any kind of surgery now that I have Natalie. I am terrified of something going wrong and leaving my baby behind without her mommy. So I have been trying to put it off, but the pain just won't subside and it looks like God is going to force me into the operating room......

On a happier note (somewhat) Natalie is getting sooooo big. She is such a big girl now, or at least she thinks so. She is the most independent little girl I have ever known. Sometimes I wish she were a little more dependent on me still. I just want her to stay little forever. She is partially potty trained. I need to be more consistent with the training. If I were more consistent she would be totally potty trained already, but I haven't been doing the greatest job at it, which I should be doing, since I am home with her every day. Oh yeah, I got a job for a few months. I don't remember if I blogged since then, but I tried out the whole job thing again after 2 years of being a full time wife, mommy and student. I liked the work. I loved the people. I loved feeling productive in the office world again. However, I HATED leaving Natalie all day. I hated that I missed so much while I was gone. I hated coming home and only being able to spend a couple of hours with her before putting her to bed. I also hated that it affected my grades. I got C's last semester, and I am not a C student. I just didn't want to study and do homework when I got home from work. All I wanted to do was hang out with Chad and Natalie and just enjoy my time with them. So...I quit. I quit my job and am now home with my little girl again. I am so thankful to God and my wonderful husband that I am able to stay home with her. I am so blessed. God is good.

So, back to how she is growing waaay too fast. She now talks soooo much. She repeats everything you say and can sing her ABC's up to the letter "I". We are working on the rest....She is so beautiful. Every time I look at her I can't help but thank God for giving me this beautiful, happy, hyper little girl. She is my medicine when I am not feeling well. She makes everything better. BUT.....we need to have a little talk soon. She loves her daddy so much more than me. And although I can't deny that I am totally jealous, it also makes me happy to see how much they love each other. She sees him and her face lights up. She is definitely daddy's little girl. She has a lot of his traits also. She is so full of energy. By that I mean she is just plain hyper! She will not sit still for anything and she is such a little ham. She is her daddy's child. I took her to get pictures taken last week. She is even starting to look like him...


I know...she's precious.

So now that she is getting so big, we decided it was time for a semi-big girl toy. After buying one on a whim, I decided to return it the next day and look into getting one that would really grow with her and that she will love and appreciate even more when she is a little bigger. So this is what I found, fell in love with, and ordered for her:

What do yall think? I can't wait to see her face when it comes in!!!

Well, the little monster is up now, and I am going to get us ready for our night on the town. Ha! We are going bowling with some good friends. Ready to get out of the house on this rainy day.

Stay dry!

My heart is heavy...

This morning, I woke up to some sad news. A local 10-year old boy, Brennan Daigle lost his battle to cancer today. I had the pleasure of meeting Brennan at a Water's Edge function a couple of weeks ago, and today, I regret that I didn't give him the big hug I wanted to give him that day. He is not a relative, nor someone I am close to, but I wish so badly that I could go back to that day and just embrace him...
I know of another local mom and dad that had to bury their little girl early this week and my heart also breaks for those parents. It just doesn't seem fair. A parent is not supposed to bury their baby. They are just not. I know that God does not make mistakes, but why them? Why these sweet babies? It's a tough pill to swallow knowing that these two sweet angels are gone, when there is scum walking on this earth. I pray that God will change my heart to not feel like this anymore and fully trust in Him. It's just hard...
Not only is my heart heavy for these families, and all others who have lost their children, but I also feel so convicted. I so often take for granted all that I have and the health of my little girl, and I keep thinking how I don't ever want to regret not giving her that hug I wanted to give sweet Brennan...ever. I want to give Natalie all the love I can possibly give her and love on her as much and as often as I can, because as much as I don't want to think about it, although I plan on having a very long, happy life with her, life is not MY plan, God's plan may be different....and as strong as my faith is in Him, I can't stop the tears from flowing just from thinking about it.
I learned again today that tomorrow is never promised...something I already knew, but sometimes in the heat of things seem to forget. I hope that I never forget to hug and kiss my baby and always tell her that I love her...her daddy and I are so in love with her, and I want her to know that, and feel it always...