Hello 30!!!

Today I celebrate the last day in my 20's. I have to say that the past few weeks have been rough and I was a little depressed about turning 30. But today a good friend of mine reminded me how blessed I am and how much I have to be thankful for, rather than being upset that I get to start another wonderful year of life. He made a good point, that so many people pay too much attention to what they don't have and haven't accomplished, and not enough attention to the things they do have. So, tonight, I want to take a moment to express how thankful I am for all I have and all that I have accomplished in my 29 years.
Just after turning 20 I met the man I would spend the rest of my life with. I fell fast and hard for him, and despite all the bumps in the road (some of them mountains), we are more in love now than we have ever been, or at least I am. :) Because of him, I know that my God is real and am so thankful that He is a forgiving God. I have never felt so loved or forgiven than I do at this point in my life. God has blessed me with such a beautiful husband and then sweetened the pot with our two precious babies. Seeing Natalie grow into such a sweet little girl makes me proud to be her mommy, and looking at Dallas's little smile makes my heart melt every time. Watching Chad with our kids makes me feel overwhelmed with the love of God. Only He could be so forgiving and gracious, because I know that most days I do not deserve such an amazing man. He would do anything for me and his kids and give us everything he has to make us happy. He is truly a man of God and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
So...I have to say my greatest accomplishment in my 29 years is marrying my best friend and being able to not only raise our two beautiful babies together, but also being able to help raise his other two amazing kids who I have grown to love like my own.
Although my career plans didn't turn out exactly how I wanted them to because I became a mom before I could become anything else, I was able to get into a great nursing school and am counting down the days (still a long way to go) to graduating and starting my nursing career. I feel accomplished in being accepted into the program and being able to maintain a good GPA while being a wife and raising my kids at the same time.
I am so thankful for my parents. Even at 29 years of age they still take care of me. I know that no matter what it is, I can call them and they will be there for me 200%. I am so thankful that after all the headaches and heartaches I put them through as a teenager they never once turned their back on me, even when I turned my back on them. No matter how hard I pushed them away they always pulled back 100 times harder. I am forever grateful for their patience and forgiveness. I am also lucky to have a brother and sister who have my back no matter what and love me despite my faults.
I am going into my 30's with some of the best friends a girl could ask for. Some of them have grown to be like brothers and sisters to me and I cherish their friendships dearly. I look forward to making more memories with all of them in the next decade of my life!!
So, thank you, friend for setting me straight and making me remember how blessed I am to have lived another year with such an amazing group of people around me and making me excited to be starting off yet another amazing year!
Here's to being 30 and fabulous....

Oh BOY!!!

Wow, I can't believe that it has been almost a year since my last blog. I have been pretty busy...and pregnant. Chad and I found out we were expecting late December, and we are now less than a month away from meeting our baby boy! We have decided to name him Alex, and are still undecided on a middle name. As of right now, I am scheduled for a c-section on August 20th. I am starting to get a little overwhelmed with emotion and nervous as to what next month will bring. I have a lot going on. I was accepted to nursing school in May, and clinicals begin this fall semester, which begins August 15th. I have prayed every day for guidance and for God to give me all the tools I need to make it through the semester. I didn't start taking Natalie to the sitter until she was 8 months old. I took a semester off to be home with her. I can't do the same this semester...it was a pretty big deal and blessing to be accepted into nursing school, and I need to think about the future. I want my children to look at my accomplishments one day and be proud of their mommy. I am so thankful to have such an amazing man by my side that has been so supportive throughout our marriage and helps me reach my goals because he believes in me. With all that said, I CAN'T take a semester off to stay home with Alex, so I will be leaving him at just a few weeks old. It breaks my heart to even think about it. It makes me sick...but I know that it will all be ok. I could use a little extra prayers sent up for me, though.

So I packed his hospital bag today...just in case. I will pack my bag this weekend. At every doctor's appointment I go to I hear how BIG he is, and I'm hoping maybe he will be ready to make his appearance soon. Not only is HE big, but this mommy is HUGE. I am so exhausted every day and I feel like I can't get anything done without feeling like I just ran a marathon. My feet and hands swell so much throughout the day, and by the end of the day I am pooped....even when I haven't done anything. So I am ready. I am 36 weeks today, so one more week and I will be trying any and all the "tricks" to get him to come! I know none of them will work, but it will be fun to try. :)

Natalie has been a little confused about the whole thing, or at least she was. When we first told her she was going to be a big sister, she insisted that she was going to have a little sister, and when we found out it was a boy and broke the news to her, she was in denial. She would tell us that she didn't want a baby brother, she wanted a baby sister. (Her daddy wanted another little girl too) But now we all can't wait to meet our little man. She kisses my belly all the time now and tells me that she loves her baby Alex. I can't wait to see her face when she sees him. She loves her big brother so much, and I know she is going to love her little brother just as much. As far as her wishes for a sister, she is going to have to get used to only having one sister, because I think we are done having babies.....Natalie and Alex are not even going to be 3 years apart, and we think that is the perfect age difference for them to grow up close. So as of now, our minds are made up that we are not having anymore. That may change in the future, after I gradate, but it's not likely. We will see....

I hope to be updating this a lot more now that we have another little one on the way. I really wish I was documenting more of Natalie's life on here also, so I need to work on that... but not tonight. It's almost 1:30 in the morning and I am so tired....if only I could get some sleep. Oh well, at least I'll get some rest.

Good night!

My convictions...

Today was a tough day. That sweet little boy I wrote about a few months ago went home to heaven today. Garit lost his fight with cancer today. It breaks my heart for his parents, his siblings, and all who were close to him. He touched so many lives. At church this evening, one of the leaders spoke about Garit and how he lived a life worth following. In his short life....five years...he left a legacy and lived a life worth following. He then asked if we were all living a life worth following. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt so convicted in that moment just with that one question. I knew that answer right away. No. I am not living a life worth following. That's a tough pill to swallow considering I have a daughter who is going to look up to me one day. My life and my being needs so much change to make it worth following. I am a sinner, I am vein at times, I have demons that haunt me, I am a bitch to my husband more often than necessary, I hold grudges, I am selfish at times, I want much more than I need, I can be materialistic, I am not patient enough....the list goes on. All of these things are things that can be changed. I like to think that I have changed tremendously. Actually, no, I KNOW that I have changed tremendously since I started my walk with Christ. Before I completely gave myself to God I was depressed. I had it all, like Pastor Tony said today. I had everything. A great family, parents who loved me, good friends, I was popular, I was skinny, I was pretty...I had it all. But I was missing God. Tony hit the nail on the head in his service today. I grew up in a pretty strict home, with a very Catholic mother. I went to church every Sunday, but only because I had to. So I knew who God was. I believed in him, and I would pray to him when times were hard. I let him be a part of my life. That was the problem. That was why I was so depressed and life started to get harder. I wasn't GIVING my life to Him. Now that I have done that, I know what I need to be doing and the type of person I need to be, but I keep stumbling. I keep stumbling and falling flat on my face. I don't have the hate in my heart that I used to have for the people who have done me or my loved ones wrong. I have forgiven everyone and also asked God to forgive me for being so vengeful and having so much hate in my heart. I don't have any of the bad habits that I used to have, like getting wasted and making stupid mistakes. I don't lie like I used to. But now there are so many other things that haunt me, like the ones I listed before. How do I better myself. How do I make my life one worth following? How do I have compassion for those who don't show it? How do I show affection to so me one who doesn't show it? How do I get rid of the grudges I am holding? How do I become more patient? How can I make my life one I am 100% happy with? I mean, here this little 5-year old boy who was battling stage 4 cancer walked around with a smile that lit up the room and touched every heart in it. He looked HAPPY. I will never forget the huge hug he gave me at church that day and the smile that never left his face. I learned a lot from Garit just by knowing who he is. I have some convictions to face in my life and some changes to make so that I can maybe say I am living a life worth following, even if it's just for my daughter. Thank you, Garit, for being such a brave little boy and teaching some of us dummies what life should really be about. Your parents must be so proud of you. Those of you reading....are you living a life worth following???

" I don't want to!!!"

These are the words I hear the most through out the day lately...Natalie has learned how to voice her opinion quite well, and is not afraid to do so. She can now tell me when she "doesn't want to", when she "doesn't like it", or when "it hurts", which is usually immediately followed by "kiss it". It was actually the funniest and cutest thing the day she fell and hurt her bare bottom a few days ago and ran up to her daddy backing her little naked hiney up telling him to "kiss it".  She is a little jabber jaw. She repeats EVERYTHING now. She has repeated my road rage a few times yelling "come on people". I love watching her grow and learn so much. It just saddens me that it's happening so fast. I don't want to blink, I'm scared I will miss something. She has decided that her daddy is her best friend. She goes to him for everything, and he is the first person she asks for in the mornings. She loves her daddy....and her daddy loves her. I am so blessed. I can't say enough how thankful I am and how blessed I feel to have a husband who is such and AMAZING father. I couldn't have picked a better person to marry and have children with. Normally, the mother takes on 95% of the responsibility with her children. Not this mommy. Chad helps so much and is so involved with her, would say it's pretty close to 50/50. Don't get that confused with all around responsibilities, I do 98% of the housework, and keep our house pretty darn spiffy! I don't like mess...lol When it comes to Natalie, though, he is right there with me, sharing the responsibilities.
I started planning her birthday party. I decided to do a Sweet Shoppe theme. I wanted to do that for her first birthday, but Chad didn't think that was a good idea at all. He said there was no point in having all the candy and sweets if she couldn't eat any of it. Well, now she can! I have quite a few decorations done already and I ordered her dress this week. I can't wait for it to come in!! I love planning parties, so when it comes to planning my daughter's party, it's even more exciting and fun for me. Call it crazy, or whatever you want to call it, I have fun doing it, and I look forward to the day she starts enjoying planning her parties with me. 

Well, I think it's time for me to go to bed. My eyelids are getting heavy. Good night...

I know my role...

I remember when I was in middle school, and starting to get into teenage trouble, we always had a couple of houses that we would go to to get into trouble and do things we weren't supposed to. It was either the friend's house with the "cool" mom who would either turn the other cheek to the things we weren't supposed to be doing, or the friend's house with the parents that worked so much they were never home. I saw it then, I saw it in high school, and I continue to see it in my adult life. I don't ever want to be either one of these parents. I don't want to be the "cool" mom. I am a mother. My job is to be just that. My job is not to be Natalie's friend when she is a teenager and let her do things she shouldn't do just so she will "love" me and think I'm "cool". I don't care if her friends don't like me because I am too strict. I don't care if she yells and breaks my heart 100 times when she tells me how much I am ruining her life by not letting her do some of the things she wants to do. I know the time will come when she will hate me. I did it to my mom. My mom was so strict and even then I did so much stupid crap that I almost wish she would have caught me doing so that maybe it would have kept ne from doing even stupider crap. she didn't let me date until I was 15. I couldn't wear make-up until I was almost in high school. I wasn't allowed to wear all the clothes my other friends were wearing. I wasn't allowed to do a lot of things. And I hated her for it sometimes. She was always in my business. She had to talk to parents if I was staying the night somewhere. She screened my calls. My mom trusted no body. And I hated her for it. I remember breaking my mom's heart several times, and even my dad's on some occasions because I would tell them I didn't want to live there anymore. It wasn't because they were bad parents, they just weren't "cool" parents like some of my other friends had. Now that I am grown up and married and have a daughter of my own, I want to raise her just the same. Because now that I look back at it, if my mom had been the cool mom, my life would not be what it is right now. She was tough, but she taught me respect and she taught me morals. I may have hated her then some days, but now I love her that much more for raising me right and not being my friend, but my mother because that is what I needed. I still know some of those friends that had the cool parents growing up, and they don't even talk to them anymore because they were so caught up being their friend that they didn't know how to value the relationship between a child and a parent. When Natalie is an adult I want her to be able to look back and be proud of me and the job I did as her mother, not be embarrassed because I didn't fit the role. I hope that I can raise her to be respectful of others and herself, to know how important education and work ethic are in real life, to know the meaning of family and the sanctity of a marriage. I hope she will know how important it is to be her children's mother rather than their friend, and to never let work become a priority over family. I hope she will follow the example I have set for her and not move in with just any man and get married before she has babies, but also know that if she messes up I will be there for her and love her just the same. I especially hope that she knows and loves our amazing God. That alone will give me peace because I know that if she loves God she will head in the right direction, even if she takes a few wrong turns.
Basically what I'm saying is that I'm ready. I am ready to fulfill my role as a mother. I know it wil be hard, so I'm glad I still have a few years before she starts "hating" me. But hopefully she won't hate me too much. I know that in the long run she is going to love me more than ever for being the mother she needed me to be, not the friends she wanted me to be.

~Garit~

I feel like everywhere I look there are little kids battling this horrible demon called cancer. I remember meeting sweet Brennan and not giving him that hug I wanted to give him that day and how badly I regretted it afterwards. Well today at the Water's Edge () a few of the leaders and other members gathered in front of everyone to lift Garit Morrison up in prayer. Garit is five years old and has stage 4 adrenocortical carcinoma. He began his battle with cancer on October 25, 2010 and is currently on his 8th round of chemo, but still has a long road ahead of him. I was in tears during the prayer for Garit, and after service was over I looked all over until I found him. I will not forget his face when I finally found him. He had a smile that lit up the room and as soon as I put my hand on his back, he stretched out his arms and gave me the biggest hug. I didn't want to let go. The whole time I was hugging him I was praying to God that he would heal this little boy and give his parents strength. I didn't get a chance to meet his parents, but I wish I could have. I wanted to tell them that they are not alone in this fight. That I may not be in their position and I may not be in Garit's position, but I am in the position where I know how big our God is and the miracles only He can bring. I am so blessed to have met this little man today. After service he was outside on his bike that is being built for his benefit. He was so happy on that thing. (I learned today that his bike is almost finished, they just need a little more money. If you would like to donate, please go to paypal and enter Garitsfight@yahoo.com to donate for his cancer awareness bike). Chad and I watched him on the bike for a while with tears in our eyes, and Chad took Natalie over to give him a hug. I couldn't hold back the tears. Why is this happening to such a sweet, innocent little boy? Why not me? Why not someone else who has lived their life? Why such a sweet little boy? It was so sweet watching him on that bike. It was like his cancer was no biggie for him. He had this smile on his face that showed the world, "I am a child of God....He is taking care of me and I am not scared". His happiness and strength touched me and I admire him so much for his strength. Natalie wanted to sit on the bike also, so we sat her behind Garit and the tears flowed even more. I am so thankful to have a healthy baby girl that lights up my life. I wish all parents had healthy kids...I wish Cancer would just disappear and stop attacking so many sweet babies...
I hope that those of you that read this can join me in praying for Garit and his family. I believe he has a brother and a sister who may not be fighting the same battle he is, but they are fighting his battle with him. I can't imagine how hard this has to be on their family. I wish I could have hugged them all today. I can't stop thinking about them, and I am definitely not going to stop praying for them. God's love is everlasting and overflowing and I pray that He wrap his arms around Garit and his family and help them kick cancer's butt!!!!!!!

Confession

So, I'm a little obsessed. I have come to terms with it and will not deny it. I am overly obsessed....with my little girl. I am that mom that talks non stop about her baby. The one that will give up everything she has so that my baby can have everything she needs (and wants). I can't help it. I never thought that so much love could come from something so tiny...she is just so amazing. She got her kitchen in today, and after Chad and I put it together, she played with that thing forever. She was so happy and her face when she first saw it brought me so much joy. She couldn't even wait until it was all put together to start playing with it. I am sure that right now at her age, it is just another toy to her, but I know that in a year or two she is going to appreciate that little kitchen so much more. I would have died to have a kitchen like that when I was little. I didn't have much when I was a kid, especially when we first moved to the US, because my parents didn't speak much English and it was hard for them to get jobs that paid enough to support five people (three kids). We never went without, but we also didn't have much. I can't say that I was an unhappy child or that I had a bad childhood, because the truth is so far from that. My mom and dad raised us with so much love and made sure we had everything we "needed", that I never really missed not having some of the toys I would have wanted. But when I think back, I can remember a few times that I saw some toys that the kids had at the houses my mom would go clean, and thinking how cool it would be if I had toys like that to play with. I had such a great imagination that I made do with what we had and even made my own toys. I remember making cameras for myself and some of the smaller kids in my neighborhood out of cardboard boxes, and walking my "imaginary dog" with a leash and collar I made out of wire clothes hangers. These are all happy memories for me. I don't know if I ever complained about not having the toys I wanted, but I don't think I did, or at least I hope I didn't, and if I did, I owe my parents a huge apology, because I don't have any "bad" childhood memories about not being as wealthy as some of the other kids I went to school with. I can't complain. My parents loved me so much and showed it every day. I had both of them to kiss me good night every night, and I had everything in life that I "needed". What I'm getting at is that I don't wish in any way that my childhood would have been different. My parents gave me what they could afford and I never went without the true necessities. They taught me how hard work pays off and made me want to work hard so that I could be successful in life. However, I want Natalie to have everything I would have wanted as a little kid. I want to see her face light up when she gets her first dollhouse, or her first bike (I remember how happy I was when I got my first bike). I still want her to make cameras out of cardboard boxes and have the imagination to make anything out of "trash", but I want her to have those things that I always looked at and wished I could have had. I don't mind giving up the things I want to give her all that she wants (to an extent). I want to spoil her, but I also want her to hear the word "no" and know that she can't always have EVERYTHING she wants, and as she gets older I want her to learn how important it is to work hard and get a good education so that she can achieve any dream or goal she has in life. But I also want her to know that "mami and papi" will never outgrow wanting to give her the world. My parents never outgrew it.
I can't wait until she is old enough to be able to tell her all this and to start teaching her everything about life and how important it is to know God and love Him, and teach her how to wash the dishes and cook and do laundry so that one day when she is married she can be a good wife to her husband, and talk to her about respect for herself and others. There is soooo much I can't wait to teach her. I want to raise her to be a lady, and know how to pick her battles. My head is hurting now from thinking of all the things I want her to know and learn. I hope that God keeps me around here long enough to be able to do it all. I know two things she will know for sure...God and love. Two things that are so visible in our home and what our family is built on. I hope that from seeing her daddy and I and the love we have for each other and God, she will know how beautiful those two things are.
So there you have it, I am totally obsessed. Obsessed and in love with the beautiful little blessing that was given to Chad and I 18 months ago. She is mommy's little girl and daddy's little princess, and I hope she never outgrows those titles....

Can you just stay little forever??

Well, since it rained today, I figured I'd write a blog...rainy days are always good for writing or reading. My little princess is taking a nap, and although I am tempted to cuddle up next to her and take a nap myself, I am not going to. A lot has been going on since my last post. I was in the emergency room a couple weeks ago with major pain in my back, chest and right shoulder. Turns out the gallstones are back. Yay. So I have to have surgery, which I really don't want to do. I know that it is the best thing to do, and is necessary, but I am just so scared to have any kind of surgery now that I have Natalie. I am terrified of something going wrong and leaving my baby behind without her mommy. So I have been trying to put it off, but the pain just won't subside and it looks like God is going to force me into the operating room......

On a happier note (somewhat) Natalie is getting sooooo big. She is such a big girl now, or at least she thinks so. She is the most independent little girl I have ever known. Sometimes I wish she were a little more dependent on me still. I just want her to stay little forever. She is partially potty trained. I need to be more consistent with the training. If I were more consistent she would be totally potty trained already, but I haven't been doing the greatest job at it, which I should be doing, since I am home with her every day. Oh yeah, I got a job for a few months. I don't remember if I blogged since then, but I tried out the whole job thing again after 2 years of being a full time wife, mommy and student. I liked the work. I loved the people. I loved feeling productive in the office world again. However, I HATED leaving Natalie all day. I hated that I missed so much while I was gone. I hated coming home and only being able to spend a couple of hours with her before putting her to bed. I also hated that it affected my grades. I got C's last semester, and I am not a C student. I just didn't want to study and do homework when I got home from work. All I wanted to do was hang out with Chad and Natalie and just enjoy my time with them. So...I quit. I quit my job and am now home with my little girl again. I am so thankful to God and my wonderful husband that I am able to stay home with her. I am so blessed. God is good.

So, back to how she is growing waaay too fast. She now talks soooo much. She repeats everything you say and can sing her ABC's up to the letter "I". We are working on the rest....She is so beautiful. Every time I look at her I can't help but thank God for giving me this beautiful, happy, hyper little girl. She is my medicine when I am not feeling well. She makes everything better. BUT.....we need to have a little talk soon. She loves her daddy so much more than me. And although I can't deny that I am totally jealous, it also makes me happy to see how much they love each other. She sees him and her face lights up. She is definitely daddy's little girl. She has a lot of his traits also. She is so full of energy. By that I mean she is just plain hyper! She will not sit still for anything and she is such a little ham. She is her daddy's child. I took her to get pictures taken last week. She is even starting to look like him...


I know...she's precious.

So now that she is getting so big, we decided it was time for a semi-big girl toy. After buying one on a whim, I decided to return it the next day and look into getting one that would really grow with her and that she will love and appreciate even more when she is a little bigger. So this is what I found, fell in love with, and ordered for her:

What do yall think? I can't wait to see her face when it comes in!!!

Well, the little monster is up now, and I am going to get us ready for our night on the town. Ha! We are going bowling with some good friends. Ready to get out of the house on this rainy day.

Stay dry!

My heart is heavy...

This morning, I woke up to some sad news. A local 10-year old boy, Brennan Daigle lost his battle to cancer today. I had the pleasure of meeting Brennan at a Water's Edge function a couple of weeks ago, and today, I regret that I didn't give him the big hug I wanted to give him that day. He is not a relative, nor someone I am close to, but I wish so badly that I could go back to that day and just embrace him...
I know of another local mom and dad that had to bury their little girl early this week and my heart also breaks for those parents. It just doesn't seem fair. A parent is not supposed to bury their baby. They are just not. I know that God does not make mistakes, but why them? Why these sweet babies? It's a tough pill to swallow knowing that these two sweet angels are gone, when there is scum walking on this earth. I pray that God will change my heart to not feel like this anymore and fully trust in Him. It's just hard...
Not only is my heart heavy for these families, and all others who have lost their children, but I also feel so convicted. I so often take for granted all that I have and the health of my little girl, and I keep thinking how I don't ever want to regret not giving her that hug I wanted to give sweet Brennan...ever. I want to give Natalie all the love I can possibly give her and love on her as much and as often as I can, because as much as I don't want to think about it, although I plan on having a very long, happy life with her, life is not MY plan, God's plan may be different....and as strong as my faith is in Him, I can't stop the tears from flowing just from thinking about it.
I learned again today that tomorrow is never promised...something I already knew, but sometimes in the heat of things seem to forget. I hope that I never forget to hug and kiss my baby and always tell her that I love her...her daddy and I are so in love with her, and I want her to know that, and feel it always...

If I could stop time...

Natalie,

My goodness, you are getting so big. I can't believe you are already 10 months old. It seems like just yesterday we were bringing you home from the hospital. It amazes me to see how much you have grown. You are walking now...well, I say walking, but really you know how, you are just lazy and would prefer to crawl because it gets you where you are going so much faster. You took your first steps with Ms. Charity, and although it kills me to have missed your first steps, it makes up for it to watch you take more and more steps as the days go by. You are up to 6 steps at a time....that's a lot... You also wave bye-bye now and finally realized that your hands can make a clapping noise too. You are starting to mock daddy and I a lot more with the sounds we make. I love it. You give soooo many kisses too, which I think is my favorite thing. They are big, open-mouthed, slobbery kisses, but man I love them. You are just so happy...ALL the time...and you make us happy. I can't thank God enough for giving you such an amazing daddy. He loves you more than I can even put down on paper. When he is having a bad day at work, he comes home and the first thing he does is pick you up and love on you and tell you how much he loves you and that seeing your smile just makes everything better. And it really does....you are a sweet little reminder of how petty some problems are and how un-important some things are. You are such a blessing to us. I still can't believe that we have you and how much you have changed our minds and our lives since we had you. I hope that when you can read this you know how much daddy and I truly love you.
I started planning your first birthday party, and I am already stressing out. There is only one venue available the day of your party, so we are going to have to make a decision this week. I want to have everything done soon because I will be studying for finals the week of your party. After that it is all about YOU. I sometimes feel that I am not giving you the attention I should because of school work and studying, and daddy is so great at helping when I have stuff to do, but I keep reminding myself that once I am done with school we are going to be able to give you a much better life and be able to provide so much more. You are already a little spoiled, and it is probably just going to get worse, but oh well....we love you and can't help it. There has been some talk of maybe giving you a little brother or sister...only God can say if and when that is going to happen. We will see....
I love you my little monkey. You and daddy are my world. Two more months and you will be one....if I could only stop time for just a little while...

Love you,
Mommy

I survived...

My sweet princess,

Well, we did it...or should I say "I" did it. I survived my first day leaving you with a sitter. Although, I can't really call Ms. Charity "the sitter". She is a great friend, and she loves you and is so great with you...and you love her. You were eager to jump right over to her arms when I walked in to drop you off (tears in my eyes). You didn't seem to mind much that I was leaving you. No tears on your end. Which made it a little easier on me, but at the same time broke my heart a little. I hate to say it, but I cried like a baby the whole way to school. I don't know why. I knew you were in wonderful hands with both Charity and Troy. That wasn't my worry. I think it was just the realization that you were getting bigger and I was having to get back to doing "life" instead of just doing "mommy". I am scared...am scared of you growing up and me missing too much. I found myself pushing a button on my phone throughout class just so that your precious little face would flash on my screen for a few seconds. They made me smile. I couldn't wait to go back to pick you up!! Of course when I got out and called daddy, he was already there. He says he went to work out with Mr. Troy...hhmmmm. At least when I got there you were happy to see me and your little smile was still on your face just like it was when I dropped you off. So we survived...tomorrow daddy may be the one dropping you off, so maybe I can get to school without makeup streaked down my face. One day at a time, my little lady bug, one day at a time.

I love you,
Mommy

Back to School...

Oh how I have dreaded this day...and looked forward to it all at the same time. Summer is over, and I am going back to school after 8 months of being a full-time mommy. I am registered for 9 hours at the moment, and trying to get 3 more, so hopefully I will be enrolled full time this semester. I have thought about this for the past week non stop. Granted, my little princess will be in great hands. Chad and I were not planning on taking her to daycare, so we are so blessed to have a wonderful friend that is willing to watch her while I am in school. So thanks to her, I am able to do this. I just can't imagine leaving Natalie every day. I know...I am having a hard time letting go!! I can't help it!! I love this little person with every ounce of my being!! I am going to cry...lol

However, I am thankful to be going back to school so I can be closer to the finish line and that much closer to being able to make a better life for my little girl. I am so blessed and grateful to have been able to spend these first 8 months of her life by her side and being able to give her 100% of my attention. I have an amazing husband who has worked his butt off to make that possible and I love him immensely and could not thank him enough for everything he has done for us. I could not have asked for a better husband or father for my little girl.

So....wish me luck as I head back to school tomorrow, and that I don't show up in tears from crying the whole way there. lol

Good night bloggers...

Addisyn Layne Fendley 6/29/10 - 6/29/10

Today was a rough day...a friend of mine put her baby girl to rest today...she was a full-term still born, and one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. It was hard enough for me to walk into the funeral home and see that little casket...I have never seen one that little, and I don't ever want to see one again...I can only imagine how hard it must have been for Jenel and Derrick. It's just not right. A mother is not supposed to bury her children. The children are supposed to bury their parents. It's just not right. It's times like these that my faith in God begins to be tested because all these questions pop in and out of my mind. Why? She was so beautiful, so innocent, so pure...why? Her mom and dad were so excited anticipating her arrival. Why would God take that from them? Why would he take her life so soon?? Why didn't he allow her to enter this world and breathe the air and taste LIFE. Why? It's just not right...
I know that I can't question His doing, and that He is the only one that has those answers and we will never understand why He does some of the things He does. I know this. I have faith in Him and I believe in Him, and I know that that beautiful baby girl is being cradled in the most wonderful and perfect arms anyone could ever imagine being cradled in...I know all this. I just can't help but wonder why.
My heart breaks for Jenel and Derrick. Every time I look at Natalie, my heart breaks a little more for them. I know that this has got to be so hard...probably one of the hardest things they will ever have to go through. I hope that their faith in God is strong enough to where they are not beating themselves up with questions, searching for answers. He knows...and that's enough.
I have been praying for them and their families that they may find the strength to move on and find comfort in knowing that Addisyn is being cradled in the arms of God, and that they will see her again one day to be able to spend all of eternity with her. I pray that the pain they are feeling will soon subside and can look at that beautiful little girl's picture and smile, because she was so beautiful and innocent and pure. They have their own little angel in Heaven looking down on them, waiting for the day they will meet...

If I could kiss your pain away....

My dearest Natalie,

I wish now more than ever that you could talk already and be able to tell me what is wrong and what hurts so that I knew how to make it better. This is the first time you have gotten sick, and the most nerve-wrecking experience in the emergency room with you yesterday morning as they did tests and took x-rays, all the time praying that the doctors would know exactly how to make whatever was wrong better. Last night was heart-breaking. You would fall asleep for a little while and then wake up screaming and crying, and I would hold you and rock you and kiss you, all the while still praying for you to feel better. I don't think I have ever had bronchitis, so I don't know how you feel or how much you hurt and I wish so bad I could take your place. I have always known the love your daddy has for you, but watching him hold you and whisper in your ear at 4:00am trying to calm you down and seeing the hurt in his eyes because you are hurting proves to me even more how much he loves you. I can't wait for you to be old enough to see it. Your dad is pretty amazing. We were at the lake house, so Tia Vero came in and held you at 4:30am because she heard you crying and sang to you and rocked you. She told daddy and I to try to get some sleep, but there was no way we were sleeping with you crying like you were. We didn't want to leave your side. There is no denying that you are so loved. You finally calmed down at around 6:00am and I cuddled up next to you to get some sleep before waking up and heading home. You seem to be feeling so much better right now. Your fever finally stayed down. It scared me when it hit 102.9. You played quite a bit this evening and smiled and laughed and seemed to be feeling better. I hope you are. If kisses could cure bronchitis and make you feel better, you would never be sick. Between daddy and I, you must get over 100 kisses a day. We just love you so much. You have changed our lives so much and made things so much more beautiful to me. I can't thank God enough for blessing me with you. I didn't know that I could love something so little so much, but I do. My heart overflows with love for you and by the way daddy looks at you, I know his does to. You have him wrapped around your little finger (twice) and he won't even deny it. You are just so beautiful to us, and although I sometimes wish that time would stand still and I could keep you this little forever, I can't wait to hear you call me "mommy". I can't wait to hug you and have my hug returned. I can already picture your little arms around my neck. I can't wait for you to give me kisses and tell me you love me. I don't know how many times daddy has said the same.
I still can't believe that you are already crawling and pulling yourself up on EVERYTHING...and you have your first tooth. My little girl is getting so big already! Promise me that no matter how big you get, you will always be our little girl??? I love you so much, I don't think there are enough words to describe how much. These past six and a half months have been the best of my life. You have taught daddy and I a whole new love for you and for each other and we can't wait to watch you grow into the amazing woman I know you will be one day.
I am about to go crawl into bed with you and daddy now. He doesn't want to put you in your bed...and neither do I. Not tonight...I just want to cuddle up to you tonight and hope that you are all better when you wake up. I love you my little lady bug...

Mommy

She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn't take them along...

It has been a while since I have posted. I have had a lot going on lately....not really anything major, just life happening. My little girl is getting bigger and bigger every day. She turned 6 months this Wednesday. I can't believe it has been half a year already. Time has flown by. I just want time to stand still sometimes. I want her to stay innocent and sweet...and safe...just the way she is. Being a mother has changed my life in so many ways. I thought being a wife was life changing....being both in the same year is indescribable!! I love being both. Chad and I have had our moments, just like every other couple I'm sure, but our faith in the Lord brings us back to love and back to Him, and everything is OK. I am reading an awesome book right now that a dear friend gave me to read called "Love is a Decision" by Gary Smalley. I highly recommend it. It is an eye opener and just inspiring for a marriage. One of my favorite quotes in this book is "Every enduring marriage involves an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person." This is a reminder that there are always going to be struggles..neither one of us is perfect...but we are going to get through those struggles because we made an unconditional commitment to each other before God. I love him...I love him and his imperfections, just like he loves me and ALL of mine. I know that God brought us together and He is never going to leave us alone.

Being a mom....wow...being a mom is the most rewarding, tiresome, scary job I have ever had. I love waking up to her smiling face every morning. She is sleeping in her pack and play next to our bed now, and I am still breastfeeding (trying for a year), so at 6am when she is hungry I put her in bed with us to eat and then we sleep for another couple of hours. She is usually awake before us, so I wake up to her touching my face and when I open my eyes, there she is smiling at me. I love it. THIS is what life is all about. I was meant to be a mom...

So this leads me to my current struggle...and let the tears begin...
I am going back to school in the fall. I took 2 semesters off already, and I HAVE to get back...I can't keep putting school off. So I started registering, and as I was registering, I started crying. Me going to school, means that I have to leave Natalie. Even if only for a few hours, I have to leave her. I have been with her almost every day all day of her life so far and leaving her is going to be so hard. It makes it a lot easier to know that we are leaving her with someone whom both Chad and I trust and love and who we know is going to take good care of her. But it is still hard. I don't want to miss anything. I don't want to miss her first step, or her first word, or her first anything...I want to be there for ALL of it. I have to go back to school though. Both for myself and for her. I want her to know that her mommy worked her butt off to give her the best life she could....and so did her daddy...Chad is going to go back to school next fall (I am so proud of him). So I am sure that I will be crying all the way to school for a while, but I know that it's what I need to do.

Well, I think I am going to try to get some sleep for a couple of hours...I am picking my mom and aunt up early in the morning. I can't wait to see them! Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Dear Natalie...please don't grow so fast!!!

Oh how time flies! My little girl is now just over four months and is getting so big! At her four month appointment, she weighed 12lbs 4oz!!! My goodness!! She is getting to be so much fun now. She "belly laughs" with Chad and I now, which is something that she had only done with her two grandmas up until about a week ago. She laughs so much and it is the most beautiful sound I think I have ever heard in my entire life. It is so amazing how much love you can feel for such a tiny little being. I can't imagine my life without her. We have our little family and it is so great. She is truly the best thing that has happened to me, and I am so grateful that she has such a great daddy. He is so good with her. He loves holding her and making her laugh and helping out with her any way he can. He is definitely one of the best dads I've met by far. There is nothing he wouldn't do for his little girl (or me). I truly am blessed, and take it for granted sometimes. I am sure he doesn't want her to grow so fast either...lol. I remember my dad telling me all the time that he wished I would have stayed little, and now I understand why. She is so innocent, so happy, so loveable and cuddly. I love her!! I know that time is going to go by so fast and I am going to miss these moments like crazy. I love laying in bed and listening to her "talk" herself to sleep, and waking up to her smiling face every morning. Soon she is going to wake up grumpy because she wants to stay in bed longer lol.

At the same time, however, I can't wait to be able to teach her all the beauty of life and how to love like my mom taught me. I am going to teach her to give hugs and kisses often, and to tell those you love that you love them every chance you get. I am going to teach her to reach for your goals no matter how big or how many people try to stand in your way. I am going to teach her to know and love God. There is so much I want to teach her and I can't wait to start....so I guess I can handle her getting bigger, I just wish it wouldn't happen so fast.

Well, I am off to bed now. Time to cuddle with my two loves.

Good night moon...

Jibber Jabber

I am starting to hate these mid-night pumping sessions. I hate getting out of bed and leaving my hubby and little princess for 30 minutes. I want to stay in bed cuddled up to her with no interruptions until it's time to wake up!!!
Oh well....
I can't believe she is already going to be 4 months old on Friday. She is getting so big. She wakes up with a smile on her face every morning, and the smile pretty much remains all day. Sometimes I wonder why we can't all be like that....myself included. I was never really a morning person, and over the years I became somewhat of a grouch. I look at her and wonder why we even waste any energy on being upset sometimes. She is so happy all the time, and it is contagious. I love it...I love her.

We have some pretty exciting plans for this weekend. Chad has his kids this weekend as well, and we are going to all head to the lakehouse with some of my family and friends. I am so ready to be out by the water and relax with everyone. It is going to be so much fun. Lake trips are always an adventure.
Opening games are this weekend for baseball (rec) also. Aric plays Friday, so Natalie and I will be there cheering him and daddy (coach) on.

How was everyone's Easter??? Ours was pretty great. We had such an amazing service at the Water's Edge. I love our church. If you are ever in the Lake Charles area on a Sunday, swing by for one of the services and check it out....you won't regret it.

I feel like I am rambling on about all these different subjects, but I don't have anything extremely interesting to talk about, and I am half asleep...so that explains a lot. Oh, so I finally got my iPhone!! I washed my phone in with a load of laundry the other day, so I had to get a new phone. I went ahead and just switched over to AT&T now instead of waiting until July when we had originally planned to switch over together. I love my phone. If anyone knows any cool apps, let me know!!!

Alright, time to get back in bed...

I'm going to be a mean mom

Here I am at 3am, pumping my little heart out. lol A lot of things have happened around me that have really made me evaluate the kind of mother I am and will be, and I have come to the conclusion that I am going to be a mean mom...just like my mom. This poem was given to me a few years back and my mother was in my head the whole time I was reading it. My mom has definitely not been the perfect mom. I don't think there is such a thing, but what a great example God has given me to follow. Chad and I were talking the other day about how we want to raise our kids, and the one thing we both agreed was the most important thing, was to raise them with love. I know that sounds like a given..we are parents, we love our kids, of course they have to be raised with love. But we looked a little deeper into the word. Love is being concerned with their well-bieng, as well as being concerned with the type of friends they have, where they are, their grades, it's not only giving them food to eat, but also being able to sit down and eat with them. Not just telling them that we love them, but being affectionate and making sure they not only hear that they are loved every single day, but that the feel it as well. Love is not forcing them to go to church, but introducing them to Christ and teaching them to live through Him. Love is not being their friend, they will have many of those, but to be their parent....because not every person with a child really knows the true meaning of the word. I think that we both have some great footsteps to follow in, and I hope that we set the same example for our kids. I really do want to be a mean mom....

The Meanest Mother In the World
I had the meanest mother in the whole world. While other kids ate
candy for breakfast, I had to have cereal, eggs or toast. When others
had cokes and candy for lunch, I had to eat a sandwich. As you can
guess, my supper was different than the other kids' also.
But at least, I wasn't alone in my sufferings. My sister and two
brothers had the same mean mother as I did.
My mother insisted upon knowing where we were at all times. You'd
think we were on a chain gang. She had to know who our friends were and
where we were going. She insisted if we said we'd be gone an hour, that
we be gone one hour or less--not one hour and one minute. I am nearly
ashamed to admit it, but she actually struck us. Not once, but each
time we had a mind of our own and did as we pleased. That poor belt was
used more on our seats than it was to hold up Daddy's pants. Can you
imagine someone actualy hitting a child just because he disobeyed? Now
you can begin to see how mean she really was.
We had to wear clean clothes and take a bath. The other kids always
wore their clothes for days. We reached the height of insults because
she made our clothes herself, just to save money. Why, oh why, did we
have to have a mother who made us feel different from our friends?
The worst is yet to come. We had to be in bed by nine each night
and up at eight the next morning. We couldn't sleep till noon like our
friends. So while they slept-my mother actually had the nerve to break
the child-labor law. She made us work. We had to wash dishes, make
beds, learn to cook and all sorts of cruel things. I believe she laid
awake at night thinking up mean things to do to us.
She always insisted upon us telling the truth, the whole truth and
nothing but the truth, even if it killed us- and it nearly did.
By the time we were teen-agers, she was much wiser, and our life
became even more unbearable. None of this tooting the horn of a car for
us to come running. She embarrassed us to no end by making our dates
and friends come to the door to get us. If I spent the night with a
girlfriend, can you imagine she checked on me to see if I were really
there. I never had the chance to elope to Mexico. That is if I'd had a
boyfriend to elope with. I forgot to mention, while my friends were
dating at the mature age of 12 and 13, my old fashioned mother refused
to let me date until the age of 15 and 16. Fifteen, that is, if you
dated only to go to a school function. And that was maybe twice a year.

Through the years, things didn't improve a bit. We could not lie
in bed, "sick" like our friends did, and miss school. If our friends
had a toe ache, a hang nail or serious ailment, they could stay home
from school. Our marks in school had to be up to par. Our friends'
report cards had beautiful colors on them, black for passing, red for
failing. My mother being as different as she was, would settle for
nothing less than ugly black marks.
As the years rolled by, first one and then the other of us was put
to shame. We were graduated from high school. With our mother behind
us, talking, hitting and demanding respect, none of us was allowed the
pleasure of being a drop-out.
My mother was a complete failure as a mother. Out of four
children, a couple of us attained some higher education. None of us
have ever been arrested, divorced or beaten his mate. Each of my
brothers served his time in the service of this country. And whom do we
have to blame for the terrible way we turned out? You're right, our
mean mother. Look at the things we missed. We never got to march in a
protest parade, nor to take part in a riot, burn draft cards, and a
million and one other things that our friends did.
She forced us to grow up into God-fearing, educated, honest adults.
Using this as a background, I am trying to raise my three
children. I stand a little taller and I am filled with pride when my
children call me mean.
Because, you see, I thank God, He gave me the meanest mother in
the whole world.

I hope you guys enjoy that poem as much as I do. When my little girl and any future kids grow up I will be able to tell them the following:

Someday when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will tell them, as my Mean Mom told me:

I loved you enough . . to ask where you were going, with whom, and what time you would be home.

I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover that your new best friend was a creep.

I loved you enough to make you go pay for the bubble gum you had taken and tell the clerk, "I stole this yesterday and want to pay for it."

I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours while you cleaned your room, a job that should have taken 15 minutes.

I loved you enough to let you see anger, disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children must learn that their parents aren't perfect.

I loved you enough to let you assume the responsibility for your actions even when the penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.

But most of all, I loved you enough . . . to say NO when I knew you would hate me for it.

Those were the most difficult battles of all. I'm glad I won them, because in the end you won, too. And someday when your children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates parents, you will tell them.

Good night bloggers....back to bed with my loves....

Layla Grace...

I am trying to type between the tears right now. I just read about sweet Layla Grace, who lost her battle to cancer today at only 2 years old. My heart breaks for her parents and family. I can't imagine what they must be feeling, or what they have been feeling throughout her fight with cancer. I held Natalie a little tighter and longer today. I love her so much and I don't know what I would do if I had to fight that same battle with her and lose. I cherish every day I get to spend with my little girl and watch her grow and pray that those days continue until I am old and grey. My prayers are with Layla Grace's family today...

If you haven't read her story, you can read it here:
www.laylagrace.org

One Great Year...

Since my last post, a couple of pretty big things have happened. Natalie made her first trip to Houston to see my family!!! It was so nice seeing everyone and just spending the weekend with my niece and nephews as well as the rest of the family. I miss them so much, so any opportunity to see them is such a wonderful time!! We spent Valentine's weekend there and my nephew, Vince was baptized on Valentine's Day! We also got Natalie's ears pierced the day before!
Getting her ears pierced:




Natalie and her cousin Nick:


Chad and I also celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary on February 28th!!!!! I must say that there have been some tough times, and some even tougher times, but we've made it so far. We have grown a lot as a couple this year and I know that we will only continue to grow. Our bond is so strong and our faith in God is even stronger that there is nothing that can break us or separate that bond. I love him so much and I am so thankful that God brought us together and gave us the most amazing little girl anyone could ask for. She is definitely a product of an amazing love. I love her so much...

Speaking of the little princess, she goes to get two more shots tomorrow....wish me luck that I don't cry again....

I am off to bed. I will post again tomorrow.

Good night bloggers...