Addisyn Layne Fendley 6/29/10 - 6/29/10

Today was a rough day...a friend of mine put her baby girl to rest today...she was a full-term still born, and one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. It was hard enough for me to walk into the funeral home and see that little casket...I have never seen one that little, and I don't ever want to see one again...I can only imagine how hard it must have been for Jenel and Derrick. It's just not right. A mother is not supposed to bury her children. The children are supposed to bury their parents. It's just not right. It's times like these that my faith in God begins to be tested because all these questions pop in and out of my mind. Why? She was so beautiful, so innocent, so pure...why? Her mom and dad were so excited anticipating her arrival. Why would God take that from them? Why would he take her life so soon?? Why didn't he allow her to enter this world and breathe the air and taste LIFE. Why? It's just not right...
I know that I can't question His doing, and that He is the only one that has those answers and we will never understand why He does some of the things He does. I know this. I have faith in Him and I believe in Him, and I know that that beautiful baby girl is being cradled in the most wonderful and perfect arms anyone could ever imagine being cradled in...I know all this. I just can't help but wonder why.
My heart breaks for Jenel and Derrick. Every time I look at Natalie, my heart breaks a little more for them. I know that this has got to be so hard...probably one of the hardest things they will ever have to go through. I hope that their faith in God is strong enough to where they are not beating themselves up with questions, searching for answers. He knows...and that's enough.
I have been praying for them and their families that they may find the strength to move on and find comfort in knowing that Addisyn is being cradled in the arms of God, and that they will see her again one day to be able to spend all of eternity with her. I pray that the pain they are feeling will soon subside and can look at that beautiful little girl's picture and smile, because she was so beautiful and innocent and pure. They have their own little angel in Heaven looking down on them, waiting for the day they will meet...

If I could kiss your pain away....

My dearest Natalie,

I wish now more than ever that you could talk already and be able to tell me what is wrong and what hurts so that I knew how to make it better. This is the first time you have gotten sick, and the most nerve-wrecking experience in the emergency room with you yesterday morning as they did tests and took x-rays, all the time praying that the doctors would know exactly how to make whatever was wrong better. Last night was heart-breaking. You would fall asleep for a little while and then wake up screaming and crying, and I would hold you and rock you and kiss you, all the while still praying for you to feel better. I don't think I have ever had bronchitis, so I don't know how you feel or how much you hurt and I wish so bad I could take your place. I have always known the love your daddy has for you, but watching him hold you and whisper in your ear at 4:00am trying to calm you down and seeing the hurt in his eyes because you are hurting proves to me even more how much he loves you. I can't wait for you to be old enough to see it. Your dad is pretty amazing. We were at the lake house, so Tia Vero came in and held you at 4:30am because she heard you crying and sang to you and rocked you. She told daddy and I to try to get some sleep, but there was no way we were sleeping with you crying like you were. We didn't want to leave your side. There is no denying that you are so loved. You finally calmed down at around 6:00am and I cuddled up next to you to get some sleep before waking up and heading home. You seem to be feeling so much better right now. Your fever finally stayed down. It scared me when it hit 102.9. You played quite a bit this evening and smiled and laughed and seemed to be feeling better. I hope you are. If kisses could cure bronchitis and make you feel better, you would never be sick. Between daddy and I, you must get over 100 kisses a day. We just love you so much. You have changed our lives so much and made things so much more beautiful to me. I can't thank God enough for blessing me with you. I didn't know that I could love something so little so much, but I do. My heart overflows with love for you and by the way daddy looks at you, I know his does to. You have him wrapped around your little finger (twice) and he won't even deny it. You are just so beautiful to us, and although I sometimes wish that time would stand still and I could keep you this little forever, I can't wait to hear you call me "mommy". I can't wait to hug you and have my hug returned. I can already picture your little arms around my neck. I can't wait for you to give me kisses and tell me you love me. I don't know how many times daddy has said the same.
I still can't believe that you are already crawling and pulling yourself up on EVERYTHING...and you have your first tooth. My little girl is getting so big already! Promise me that no matter how big you get, you will always be our little girl??? I love you so much, I don't think there are enough words to describe how much. These past six and a half months have been the best of my life. You have taught daddy and I a whole new love for you and for each other and we can't wait to watch you grow into the amazing woman I know you will be one day.
I am about to go crawl into bed with you and daddy now. He doesn't want to put you in your bed...and neither do I. Not tonight...I just want to cuddle up to you tonight and hope that you are all better when you wake up. I love you my little lady bug...

Mommy

She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn't take them along...

It has been a while since I have posted. I have had a lot going on lately....not really anything major, just life happening. My little girl is getting bigger and bigger every day. She turned 6 months this Wednesday. I can't believe it has been half a year already. Time has flown by. I just want time to stand still sometimes. I want her to stay innocent and sweet...and safe...just the way she is. Being a mother has changed my life in so many ways. I thought being a wife was life changing....being both in the same year is indescribable!! I love being both. Chad and I have had our moments, just like every other couple I'm sure, but our faith in the Lord brings us back to love and back to Him, and everything is OK. I am reading an awesome book right now that a dear friend gave me to read called "Love is a Decision" by Gary Smalley. I highly recommend it. It is an eye opener and just inspiring for a marriage. One of my favorite quotes in this book is "Every enduring marriage involves an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person." This is a reminder that there are always going to be struggles..neither one of us is perfect...but we are going to get through those struggles because we made an unconditional commitment to each other before God. I love him...I love him and his imperfections, just like he loves me and ALL of mine. I know that God brought us together and He is never going to leave us alone.

Being a mom....wow...being a mom is the most rewarding, tiresome, scary job I have ever had. I love waking up to her smiling face every morning. She is sleeping in her pack and play next to our bed now, and I am still breastfeeding (trying for a year), so at 6am when she is hungry I put her in bed with us to eat and then we sleep for another couple of hours. She is usually awake before us, so I wake up to her touching my face and when I open my eyes, there she is smiling at me. I love it. THIS is what life is all about. I was meant to be a mom...

So this leads me to my current struggle...and let the tears begin...
I am going back to school in the fall. I took 2 semesters off already, and I HAVE to get back...I can't keep putting school off. So I started registering, and as I was registering, I started crying. Me going to school, means that I have to leave Natalie. Even if only for a few hours, I have to leave her. I have been with her almost every day all day of her life so far and leaving her is going to be so hard. It makes it a lot easier to know that we are leaving her with someone whom both Chad and I trust and love and who we know is going to take good care of her. But it is still hard. I don't want to miss anything. I don't want to miss her first step, or her first word, or her first anything...I want to be there for ALL of it. I have to go back to school though. Both for myself and for her. I want her to know that her mommy worked her butt off to give her the best life she could....and so did her daddy...Chad is going to go back to school next fall (I am so proud of him). So I am sure that I will be crying all the way to school for a while, but I know that it's what I need to do.

Well, I think I am going to try to get some sleep for a couple of hours...I am picking my mom and aunt up early in the morning. I can't wait to see them! Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Dear Natalie...please don't grow so fast!!!

Oh how time flies! My little girl is now just over four months and is getting so big! At her four month appointment, she weighed 12lbs 4oz!!! My goodness!! She is getting to be so much fun now. She "belly laughs" with Chad and I now, which is something that she had only done with her two grandmas up until about a week ago. She laughs so much and it is the most beautiful sound I think I have ever heard in my entire life. It is so amazing how much love you can feel for such a tiny little being. I can't imagine my life without her. We have our little family and it is so great. She is truly the best thing that has happened to me, and I am so grateful that she has such a great daddy. He is so good with her. He loves holding her and making her laugh and helping out with her any way he can. He is definitely one of the best dads I've met by far. There is nothing he wouldn't do for his little girl (or me). I truly am blessed, and take it for granted sometimes. I am sure he doesn't want her to grow so fast either...lol. I remember my dad telling me all the time that he wished I would have stayed little, and now I understand why. She is so innocent, so happy, so loveable and cuddly. I love her!! I know that time is going to go by so fast and I am going to miss these moments like crazy. I love laying in bed and listening to her "talk" herself to sleep, and waking up to her smiling face every morning. Soon she is going to wake up grumpy because she wants to stay in bed longer lol.

At the same time, however, I can't wait to be able to teach her all the beauty of life and how to love like my mom taught me. I am going to teach her to give hugs and kisses often, and to tell those you love that you love them every chance you get. I am going to teach her to reach for your goals no matter how big or how many people try to stand in your way. I am going to teach her to know and love God. There is so much I want to teach her and I can't wait to start....so I guess I can handle her getting bigger, I just wish it wouldn't happen so fast.

Well, I am off to bed now. Time to cuddle with my two loves.

Good night moon...

Jibber Jabber

I am starting to hate these mid-night pumping sessions. I hate getting out of bed and leaving my hubby and little princess for 30 minutes. I want to stay in bed cuddled up to her with no interruptions until it's time to wake up!!!
Oh well....
I can't believe she is already going to be 4 months old on Friday. She is getting so big. She wakes up with a smile on her face every morning, and the smile pretty much remains all day. Sometimes I wonder why we can't all be like that....myself included. I was never really a morning person, and over the years I became somewhat of a grouch. I look at her and wonder why we even waste any energy on being upset sometimes. She is so happy all the time, and it is contagious. I love it...I love her.

We have some pretty exciting plans for this weekend. Chad has his kids this weekend as well, and we are going to all head to the lakehouse with some of my family and friends. I am so ready to be out by the water and relax with everyone. It is going to be so much fun. Lake trips are always an adventure.
Opening games are this weekend for baseball (rec) also. Aric plays Friday, so Natalie and I will be there cheering him and daddy (coach) on.

How was everyone's Easter??? Ours was pretty great. We had such an amazing service at the Water's Edge. I love our church. If you are ever in the Lake Charles area on a Sunday, swing by for one of the services and check it out....you won't regret it.

I feel like I am rambling on about all these different subjects, but I don't have anything extremely interesting to talk about, and I am half asleep...so that explains a lot. Oh, so I finally got my iPhone!! I washed my phone in with a load of laundry the other day, so I had to get a new phone. I went ahead and just switched over to AT&T now instead of waiting until July when we had originally planned to switch over together. I love my phone. If anyone knows any cool apps, let me know!!!

Alright, time to get back in bed...

I'm going to be a mean mom

Here I am at 3am, pumping my little heart out. lol A lot of things have happened around me that have really made me evaluate the kind of mother I am and will be, and I have come to the conclusion that I am going to be a mean mom...just like my mom. This poem was given to me a few years back and my mother was in my head the whole time I was reading it. My mom has definitely not been the perfect mom. I don't think there is such a thing, but what a great example God has given me to follow. Chad and I were talking the other day about how we want to raise our kids, and the one thing we both agreed was the most important thing, was to raise them with love. I know that sounds like a given..we are parents, we love our kids, of course they have to be raised with love. But we looked a little deeper into the word. Love is being concerned with their well-bieng, as well as being concerned with the type of friends they have, where they are, their grades, it's not only giving them food to eat, but also being able to sit down and eat with them. Not just telling them that we love them, but being affectionate and making sure they not only hear that they are loved every single day, but that the feel it as well. Love is not forcing them to go to church, but introducing them to Christ and teaching them to live through Him. Love is not being their friend, they will have many of those, but to be their parent....because not every person with a child really knows the true meaning of the word. I think that we both have some great footsteps to follow in, and I hope that we set the same example for our kids. I really do want to be a mean mom....

The Meanest Mother In the World
I had the meanest mother in the whole world. While other kids ate
candy for breakfast, I had to have cereal, eggs or toast. When others
had cokes and candy for lunch, I had to eat a sandwich. As you can
guess, my supper was different than the other kids' also.
But at least, I wasn't alone in my sufferings. My sister and two
brothers had the same mean mother as I did.
My mother insisted upon knowing where we were at all times. You'd
think we were on a chain gang. She had to know who our friends were and
where we were going. She insisted if we said we'd be gone an hour, that
we be gone one hour or less--not one hour and one minute. I am nearly
ashamed to admit it, but she actually struck us. Not once, but each
time we had a mind of our own and did as we pleased. That poor belt was
used more on our seats than it was to hold up Daddy's pants. Can you
imagine someone actualy hitting a child just because he disobeyed? Now
you can begin to see how mean she really was.
We had to wear clean clothes and take a bath. The other kids always
wore their clothes for days. We reached the height of insults because
she made our clothes herself, just to save money. Why, oh why, did we
have to have a mother who made us feel different from our friends?
The worst is yet to come. We had to be in bed by nine each night
and up at eight the next morning. We couldn't sleep till noon like our
friends. So while they slept-my mother actually had the nerve to break
the child-labor law. She made us work. We had to wash dishes, make
beds, learn to cook and all sorts of cruel things. I believe she laid
awake at night thinking up mean things to do to us.
She always insisted upon us telling the truth, the whole truth and
nothing but the truth, even if it killed us- and it nearly did.
By the time we were teen-agers, she was much wiser, and our life
became even more unbearable. None of this tooting the horn of a car for
us to come running. She embarrassed us to no end by making our dates
and friends come to the door to get us. If I spent the night with a
girlfriend, can you imagine she checked on me to see if I were really
there. I never had the chance to elope to Mexico. That is if I'd had a
boyfriend to elope with. I forgot to mention, while my friends were
dating at the mature age of 12 and 13, my old fashioned mother refused
to let me date until the age of 15 and 16. Fifteen, that is, if you
dated only to go to a school function. And that was maybe twice a year.

Through the years, things didn't improve a bit. We could not lie
in bed, "sick" like our friends did, and miss school. If our friends
had a toe ache, a hang nail or serious ailment, they could stay home
from school. Our marks in school had to be up to par. Our friends'
report cards had beautiful colors on them, black for passing, red for
failing. My mother being as different as she was, would settle for
nothing less than ugly black marks.
As the years rolled by, first one and then the other of us was put
to shame. We were graduated from high school. With our mother behind
us, talking, hitting and demanding respect, none of us was allowed the
pleasure of being a drop-out.
My mother was a complete failure as a mother. Out of four
children, a couple of us attained some higher education. None of us
have ever been arrested, divorced or beaten his mate. Each of my
brothers served his time in the service of this country. And whom do we
have to blame for the terrible way we turned out? You're right, our
mean mother. Look at the things we missed. We never got to march in a
protest parade, nor to take part in a riot, burn draft cards, and a
million and one other things that our friends did.
She forced us to grow up into God-fearing, educated, honest adults.
Using this as a background, I am trying to raise my three
children. I stand a little taller and I am filled with pride when my
children call me mean.
Because, you see, I thank God, He gave me the meanest mother in
the whole world.

I hope you guys enjoy that poem as much as I do. When my little girl and any future kids grow up I will be able to tell them the following:

Someday when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will tell them, as my Mean Mom told me:

I loved you enough . . to ask where you were going, with whom, and what time you would be home.

I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover that your new best friend was a creep.

I loved you enough to make you go pay for the bubble gum you had taken and tell the clerk, "I stole this yesterday and want to pay for it."

I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours while you cleaned your room, a job that should have taken 15 minutes.

I loved you enough to let you see anger, disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children must learn that their parents aren't perfect.

I loved you enough to let you assume the responsibility for your actions even when the penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.

But most of all, I loved you enough . . . to say NO when I knew you would hate me for it.

Those were the most difficult battles of all. I'm glad I won them, because in the end you won, too. And someday when your children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates parents, you will tell them.

Good night bloggers....back to bed with my loves....

Layla Grace...

I am trying to type between the tears right now. I just read about sweet Layla Grace, who lost her battle to cancer today at only 2 years old. My heart breaks for her parents and family. I can't imagine what they must be feeling, or what they have been feeling throughout her fight with cancer. I held Natalie a little tighter and longer today. I love her so much and I don't know what I would do if I had to fight that same battle with her and lose. I cherish every day I get to spend with my little girl and watch her grow and pray that those days continue until I am old and grey. My prayers are with Layla Grace's family today...

If you haven't read her story, you can read it here:
www.laylagrace.org