If I could stop time...

Natalie,

My goodness, you are getting so big. I can't believe you are already 10 months old. It seems like just yesterday we were bringing you home from the hospital. It amazes me to see how much you have grown. You are walking now...well, I say walking, but really you know how, you are just lazy and would prefer to crawl because it gets you where you are going so much faster. You took your first steps with Ms. Charity, and although it kills me to have missed your first steps, it makes up for it to watch you take more and more steps as the days go by. You are up to 6 steps at a time....that's a lot... You also wave bye-bye now and finally realized that your hands can make a clapping noise too. You are starting to mock daddy and I a lot more with the sounds we make. I love it. You give soooo many kisses too, which I think is my favorite thing. They are big, open-mouthed, slobbery kisses, but man I love them. You are just so happy...ALL the time...and you make us happy. I can't thank God enough for giving you such an amazing daddy. He loves you more than I can even put down on paper. When he is having a bad day at work, he comes home and the first thing he does is pick you up and love on you and tell you how much he loves you and that seeing your smile just makes everything better. And it really does....you are a sweet little reminder of how petty some problems are and how un-important some things are. You are such a blessing to us. I still can't believe that we have you and how much you have changed our minds and our lives since we had you. I hope that when you can read this you know how much daddy and I truly love you.
I started planning your first birthday party, and I am already stressing out. There is only one venue available the day of your party, so we are going to have to make a decision this week. I want to have everything done soon because I will be studying for finals the week of your party. After that it is all about YOU. I sometimes feel that I am not giving you the attention I should because of school work and studying, and daddy is so great at helping when I have stuff to do, but I keep reminding myself that once I am done with school we are going to be able to give you a much better life and be able to provide so much more. You are already a little spoiled, and it is probably just going to get worse, but oh well....we love you and can't help it. There has been some talk of maybe giving you a little brother or sister...only God can say if and when that is going to happen. We will see....
I love you my little monkey. You and daddy are my world. Two more months and you will be one....if I could only stop time for just a little while...

Love you,
Mommy

I survived...

My sweet princess,

Well, we did it...or should I say "I" did it. I survived my first day leaving you with a sitter. Although, I can't really call Ms. Charity "the sitter". She is a great friend, and she loves you and is so great with you...and you love her. You were eager to jump right over to her arms when I walked in to drop you off (tears in my eyes). You didn't seem to mind much that I was leaving you. No tears on your end. Which made it a little easier on me, but at the same time broke my heart a little. I hate to say it, but I cried like a baby the whole way to school. I don't know why. I knew you were in wonderful hands with both Charity and Troy. That wasn't my worry. I think it was just the realization that you were getting bigger and I was having to get back to doing "life" instead of just doing "mommy". I am scared...am scared of you growing up and me missing too much. I found myself pushing a button on my phone throughout class just so that your precious little face would flash on my screen for a few seconds. They made me smile. I couldn't wait to go back to pick you up!! Of course when I got out and called daddy, he was already there. He says he went to work out with Mr. Troy...hhmmmm. At least when I got there you were happy to see me and your little smile was still on your face just like it was when I dropped you off. So we survived...tomorrow daddy may be the one dropping you off, so maybe I can get to school without makeup streaked down my face. One day at a time, my little lady bug, one day at a time.

I love you,
Mommy

Back to School...

Oh how I have dreaded this day...and looked forward to it all at the same time. Summer is over, and I am going back to school after 8 months of being a full-time mommy. I am registered for 9 hours at the moment, and trying to get 3 more, so hopefully I will be enrolled full time this semester. I have thought about this for the past week non stop. Granted, my little princess will be in great hands. Chad and I were not planning on taking her to daycare, so we are so blessed to have a wonderful friend that is willing to watch her while I am in school. So thanks to her, I am able to do this. I just can't imagine leaving Natalie every day. I know...I am having a hard time letting go!! I can't help it!! I love this little person with every ounce of my being!! I am going to cry...lol

However, I am thankful to be going back to school so I can be closer to the finish line and that much closer to being able to make a better life for my little girl. I am so blessed and grateful to have been able to spend these first 8 months of her life by her side and being able to give her 100% of my attention. I have an amazing husband who has worked his butt off to make that possible and I love him immensely and could not thank him enough for everything he has done for us. I could not have asked for a better husband or father for my little girl.

So....wish me luck as I head back to school tomorrow, and that I don't show up in tears from crying the whole way there. lol

Good night bloggers...

Addisyn Layne Fendley 6/29/10 - 6/29/10

Today was a rough day...a friend of mine put her baby girl to rest today...she was a full-term still born, and one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. It was hard enough for me to walk into the funeral home and see that little casket...I have never seen one that little, and I don't ever want to see one again...I can only imagine how hard it must have been for Jenel and Derrick. It's just not right. A mother is not supposed to bury her children. The children are supposed to bury their parents. It's just not right. It's times like these that my faith in God begins to be tested because all these questions pop in and out of my mind. Why? She was so beautiful, so innocent, so pure...why? Her mom and dad were so excited anticipating her arrival. Why would God take that from them? Why would he take her life so soon?? Why didn't he allow her to enter this world and breathe the air and taste LIFE. Why? It's just not right...
I know that I can't question His doing, and that He is the only one that has those answers and we will never understand why He does some of the things He does. I know this. I have faith in Him and I believe in Him, and I know that that beautiful baby girl is being cradled in the most wonderful and perfect arms anyone could ever imagine being cradled in...I know all this. I just can't help but wonder why.
My heart breaks for Jenel and Derrick. Every time I look at Natalie, my heart breaks a little more for them. I know that this has got to be so hard...probably one of the hardest things they will ever have to go through. I hope that their faith in God is strong enough to where they are not beating themselves up with questions, searching for answers. He knows...and that's enough.
I have been praying for them and their families that they may find the strength to move on and find comfort in knowing that Addisyn is being cradled in the arms of God, and that they will see her again one day to be able to spend all of eternity with her. I pray that the pain they are feeling will soon subside and can look at that beautiful little girl's picture and smile, because she was so beautiful and innocent and pure. They have their own little angel in Heaven looking down on them, waiting for the day they will meet...

If I could kiss your pain away....

My dearest Natalie,

I wish now more than ever that you could talk already and be able to tell me what is wrong and what hurts so that I knew how to make it better. This is the first time you have gotten sick, and the most nerve-wrecking experience in the emergency room with you yesterday morning as they did tests and took x-rays, all the time praying that the doctors would know exactly how to make whatever was wrong better. Last night was heart-breaking. You would fall asleep for a little while and then wake up screaming and crying, and I would hold you and rock you and kiss you, all the while still praying for you to feel better. I don't think I have ever had bronchitis, so I don't know how you feel or how much you hurt and I wish so bad I could take your place. I have always known the love your daddy has for you, but watching him hold you and whisper in your ear at 4:00am trying to calm you down and seeing the hurt in his eyes because you are hurting proves to me even more how much he loves you. I can't wait for you to be old enough to see it. Your dad is pretty amazing. We were at the lake house, so Tia Vero came in and held you at 4:30am because she heard you crying and sang to you and rocked you. She told daddy and I to try to get some sleep, but there was no way we were sleeping with you crying like you were. We didn't want to leave your side. There is no denying that you are so loved. You finally calmed down at around 6:00am and I cuddled up next to you to get some sleep before waking up and heading home. You seem to be feeling so much better right now. Your fever finally stayed down. It scared me when it hit 102.9. You played quite a bit this evening and smiled and laughed and seemed to be feeling better. I hope you are. If kisses could cure bronchitis and make you feel better, you would never be sick. Between daddy and I, you must get over 100 kisses a day. We just love you so much. You have changed our lives so much and made things so much more beautiful to me. I can't thank God enough for blessing me with you. I didn't know that I could love something so little so much, but I do. My heart overflows with love for you and by the way daddy looks at you, I know his does to. You have him wrapped around your little finger (twice) and he won't even deny it. You are just so beautiful to us, and although I sometimes wish that time would stand still and I could keep you this little forever, I can't wait to hear you call me "mommy". I can't wait to hug you and have my hug returned. I can already picture your little arms around my neck. I can't wait for you to give me kisses and tell me you love me. I don't know how many times daddy has said the same.
I still can't believe that you are already crawling and pulling yourself up on EVERYTHING...and you have your first tooth. My little girl is getting so big already! Promise me that no matter how big you get, you will always be our little girl??? I love you so much, I don't think there are enough words to describe how much. These past six and a half months have been the best of my life. You have taught daddy and I a whole new love for you and for each other and we can't wait to watch you grow into the amazing woman I know you will be one day.
I am about to go crawl into bed with you and daddy now. He doesn't want to put you in your bed...and neither do I. Not tonight...I just want to cuddle up to you tonight and hope that you are all better when you wake up. I love you my little lady bug...

Mommy

She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn't take them along...

It has been a while since I have posted. I have had a lot going on lately....not really anything major, just life happening. My little girl is getting bigger and bigger every day. She turned 6 months this Wednesday. I can't believe it has been half a year already. Time has flown by. I just want time to stand still sometimes. I want her to stay innocent and sweet...and safe...just the way she is. Being a mother has changed my life in so many ways. I thought being a wife was life changing....being both in the same year is indescribable!! I love being both. Chad and I have had our moments, just like every other couple I'm sure, but our faith in the Lord brings us back to love and back to Him, and everything is OK. I am reading an awesome book right now that a dear friend gave me to read called "Love is a Decision" by Gary Smalley. I highly recommend it. It is an eye opener and just inspiring for a marriage. One of my favorite quotes in this book is "Every enduring marriage involves an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person." This is a reminder that there are always going to be struggles..neither one of us is perfect...but we are going to get through those struggles because we made an unconditional commitment to each other before God. I love him...I love him and his imperfections, just like he loves me and ALL of mine. I know that God brought us together and He is never going to leave us alone.

Being a mom....wow...being a mom is the most rewarding, tiresome, scary job I have ever had. I love waking up to her smiling face every morning. She is sleeping in her pack and play next to our bed now, and I am still breastfeeding (trying for a year), so at 6am when she is hungry I put her in bed with us to eat and then we sleep for another couple of hours. She is usually awake before us, so I wake up to her touching my face and when I open my eyes, there she is smiling at me. I love it. THIS is what life is all about. I was meant to be a mom...

So this leads me to my current struggle...and let the tears begin...
I am going back to school in the fall. I took 2 semesters off already, and I HAVE to get back...I can't keep putting school off. So I started registering, and as I was registering, I started crying. Me going to school, means that I have to leave Natalie. Even if only for a few hours, I have to leave her. I have been with her almost every day all day of her life so far and leaving her is going to be so hard. It makes it a lot easier to know that we are leaving her with someone whom both Chad and I trust and love and who we know is going to take good care of her. But it is still hard. I don't want to miss anything. I don't want to miss her first step, or her first word, or her first anything...I want to be there for ALL of it. I have to go back to school though. Both for myself and for her. I want her to know that her mommy worked her butt off to give her the best life she could....and so did her daddy...Chad is going to go back to school next fall (I am so proud of him). So I am sure that I will be crying all the way to school for a while, but I know that it's what I need to do.

Well, I think I am going to try to get some sleep for a couple of hours...I am picking my mom and aunt up early in the morning. I can't wait to see them! Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Dear Natalie...please don't grow so fast!!!

Oh how time flies! My little girl is now just over four months and is getting so big! At her four month appointment, she weighed 12lbs 4oz!!! My goodness!! She is getting to be so much fun now. She "belly laughs" with Chad and I now, which is something that she had only done with her two grandmas up until about a week ago. She laughs so much and it is the most beautiful sound I think I have ever heard in my entire life. It is so amazing how much love you can feel for such a tiny little being. I can't imagine my life without her. We have our little family and it is so great. She is truly the best thing that has happened to me, and I am so grateful that she has such a great daddy. He is so good with her. He loves holding her and making her laugh and helping out with her any way he can. He is definitely one of the best dads I've met by far. There is nothing he wouldn't do for his little girl (or me). I truly am blessed, and take it for granted sometimes. I am sure he doesn't want her to grow so fast either...lol. I remember my dad telling me all the time that he wished I would have stayed little, and now I understand why. She is so innocent, so happy, so loveable and cuddly. I love her!! I know that time is going to go by so fast and I am going to miss these moments like crazy. I love laying in bed and listening to her "talk" herself to sleep, and waking up to her smiling face every morning. Soon she is going to wake up grumpy because she wants to stay in bed longer lol.

At the same time, however, I can't wait to be able to teach her all the beauty of life and how to love like my mom taught me. I am going to teach her to give hugs and kisses often, and to tell those you love that you love them every chance you get. I am going to teach her to reach for your goals no matter how big or how many people try to stand in your way. I am going to teach her to know and love God. There is so much I want to teach her and I can't wait to start....so I guess I can handle her getting bigger, I just wish it wouldn't happen so fast.

Well, I am off to bed now. Time to cuddle with my two loves.

Good night moon...